


teotwawki

by andtheny



Series: Five is a problem solver [19]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Brother-Sister Relationships, Brotherly Love, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Misunderstandings, Number Five | The Boy Has Issues, Old Five, Panic Attacks, Platonic Cuddling, Platonic Female/Male Relationships, Suicidal Thoughts, Time Travel, Touch-Starved, Unreliable Narrator, Unresolved Emotional Tension, Vanya Hargreeves Gets a Hug, X-Men vibes, Young Number Five | The Boy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-03
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-16 20:29:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 18,982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29830482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andtheny/pseuds/andtheny
Summary: "How about this: we're both alphas.""We are?""Fuck yes," Five said. "But you're the queen and I'm the knight.""The knight?""Yeah," Five said. "And don't worry. You're a warrior queen.”___________________Or, Five and Vanya don't understand each other.
Relationships: Ben Hargreeves & Vanya Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy & Ben Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy & Vanya Hargreeves
Series: Five is a problem solver [19]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1977970
Comments: 126
Kudos: 48





	1. Oedipus Rex's Sphinx

**Author's Note:**

> So: this is taking place after chapter 1 of rigor samsa but before chapter 5. I felt like it was important to post it before I finished rigor samsa?
> 
> Okay, actually, I just sort of accidentally wrote it first because The Muse doesn't listen to me. But we can break whatever rules we want cause me and The Muse, we're the boss of this story :P

_What a terrible thing it is to wound someone you really care for... and to do it so unconsciously._

_― Haruki Murakami_

"Last time, you said you wanted to talk about Valentine's Day. Let's pick up there." 

"That's okay," Vanya said. "I did enough self reflecting. I don't need to talk about it anymore." 

"Oh?" 

"It was stupid anyway," Vanya said. "I was dwelling on it for no reason. So much time has passed, so... um, I should just leave it in the past?" 

"That's an option," Duchemin said. 

"Do you think it's the wrong one?" 

"That's not what I said," Duchemin said. 

"Then it's the right decision?" 

"Vanya," Duchemin said. "I can't make that judgement for you." 

Vanya sighed. "I know." 

"I will say this," Duchemin said. "It's an elephant." 

"It _is_ , right?" Vanya said. "The more I try not to think about it, the more I think about it." 

"Maybe venting will help?" 

"Maybe." 

"I understand that you're nervous in matters of love," Duchemin said. "That feeling is valid." 

"Thank you," Vanya said. "I just don't want to make the same mistake I made with Sissy." 

"That's good," Duchemin said. "You've matured." 

"I have?" 

"Yes," Duchemin said. "You've taken a healthy look at your past behaviors and recognized your unhealthy attachment style. Now that you know, you're trying to be better." 

"Yeah," Vanya said. "I'm trying really hard." 

"It's admirable."

Vanya grinned. "It is? Really?" 

Duchemin smiled, then looked at her watch. 

That made Vanya feel twitchy. How much time was left? 

Not wearing a watch herself had been a decisive and healthy choice. Because she would have gotten obsessed with it. 

Which would have distracted from the important work she and Duchemin were doing together.

"Okay, so here's a theory," Duchemin said. "Maybe you're over-correcting a little bit?" 

"Is that what I'm doing?" 

"It's possible," Duchemin said. "But know that I can only guess. I might be wrong. Or maybe this woman just isn't the one for you."

"No," Vanya said. "It's not that I don't like her. It's not that I don't want to nurture the relationship." 

"Then help me understand your thought process," Duchemin said. 

"Valentine's Day," Vanya said. "It was too big." 

"Too big for what?" Duchemin said. 

"It's just too big," Vanya said. "It's too early." 

"By what measurement?"

"By every measurement?" Vanya said. "All the balloons and chocolate boxes? All the… everything?" 

"It's too much pressure," Duchemin suggested. 

"Yes," Vanya said. "It's too much pressure. I barely know this woman, so I couldn't go on a Valentine's Day date with her." 

"At what point would you know her well enough?" Duchemin said. 

"Next year," Vanya said. "Maybe." 

"Alright," Duchemin said. "And how did you tell her?" 

"I just said sorry," Vanya said. "Um, I also used Five as an excuse. I know that's wrong, but… I did it." 

"It's not wrong," Duchemin said. "Familial obligations are important to you. Isn't that true?" 

"It's true," Vanya said. "Plus, I couldn't let Ben hog him." 

"Hog who?" 

"Five," Vanya said. 

"Walk me through your logic," Duchemin said. 

"Oh," Vanya said. "It's because Ben was the only one without a Valentine. So he asked Old Five if he was allowed to go to California on the 14th." 

"I see," Duchemin said. 

"At first," Vanya said. "Allison was going to stay with them. So I wasn't going to go. But _then,_ at the last freaking minute, Allison decided to come to New York." 

"Is that a bad thing?" 

_"Yes,"_ Vanya said. "Because that meant Ben and Five would have been alone together." 

"Why would that bother you?" 

"It breaks the rules," Vanya said. "So it's unfair." 

"I see," Duchemin said. "You've made references to these allusive rules many times, you know." 

"Why do you call them allusive?" 

"This is just my perception," Duchemin said. "But they seem alarmingly vague." 

"Why is vagueness alarming?" 

"It's something of a booby trap," Duchemin said. "I've noticed, and correct me if I'm wrong, but I've noticed these rules seem to contradict themselves?" 

"No," Vanya said. "I mean, yes, but that's just because we've been editing. The rules change as needed." 

"Who is 'we' in this case?" 

"Me and Five," Vanya said. 

"Old Five?" 

"Yeah," Vanya said. "It's a coping mechanism." 

"I see," Duchemin said. "Now, let me ask you a question." 

"Okay." 

"When did you and Five first establish the rules?" Duchemin said. "Did it begin when he was training you to control your abilities?" 

"No," Vanya said. "We came up with it when he lost his memories." 

"Ah," Duchemin said. 

"Is that a bad thing?" 

"No." 

"You said it was alarming," Vanya said. "Is it unhealthy?" 

"Not necessarily." 

"That means it is!" 

"No," Duchemin said. "Listen, Vanya. Sometimes, we are raised to recognize a certain code language." 

"What do you mean?" 

"For example," Duchemin said. "You said Five has a code, didn't you?"

"Yeah..."

"When he's stressed, or afraid, or overwhelmed, he will tell you that he has a headache." 

"Yeah," Vanya said. "Because it hurts his pride to ask for help." 

"Exactly," Duchemin said. 

That was a word that always made Vanya grin, these days.

"Another example," Duchemin said. "Between you and Five 'exactly' has a positive connotation." 

"Huh?" Vanya said. "Um, yeah it does." 

"Can you tell me why?" 

"Because it means I understand him," Vanya said. 

"I think it means something more," Duchemin said. 

"You do?" 

"Yes," Duchemin said. "Can we examine it?" 

"Sure," Vanya said. "Um, I guess it's a reassuring word?" 

"Why is it reassuring?" 

"Because it means he believes in me?" 

"What does he believe?" 

"Five is paranoid," Vanya said. "He thinks we don't understand him. It's not enough for me to tell him that I get what he's trying to tell me. Half the time, he doesn't believe it." 

"I see," Duchemin said. 

"So if Five says 'exactly' it means he finally believed me," Vanya said. "And he's always so relieved about it. It's kind of precious. Especially with Baby Five." 

"Would you say it's a reward?" 

"A reward?" Vanya said. "A reward for what?" 

"For solving the puzzle," Duchemin said. 

"Don't call him a puzzle!" 

"Okay," Duchemin said. "I apologize." 

"I'm sorry too," Vanya said. "I shouldn't explode like that." 

"You didn't explode." 

"Sorry," Vanya said. "You triggered me. Sorry." 

"Why are you sorry?" 

"I can't help it," Vanya said. "I know it's unreasonable. I already talked it over with Ben. I'm not going to censor him anymore." 

"That's mature of you," Duchemin said. "But can I ask you a question?" 

"Yes." 

"What was it about that phrase that triggered you?" 

"I just can't stand it," Vanya said. "Everyone treats Five like some kind of game." 

"A game?" 

"Like a video game," Vanya said. "Like... they act like he... um..." 

"Take your time." 

"We were raised in a competitive environment." 

"Yes." 

"And everyone was always trying to impress Dad."

"Yes." 

"But the thing is," Vanya said. "Dad is gone." 

"Yes." 

"So I have a theory," Vanya said. "That everyone is trying to impress _Five_ now. As a replacement. And it fucking _kills_ me." 

"Why does it kill you?" 

"They don't deserve him." 

"What don't they deserve?" 

"Five," Vanya said. "They don't deserve Five. Their love is fake." 

"Why is it fake?" 

"He accidentally triggered their competitive spirit," Vanya said. "But I know him, he didn't do it on purpose. He has no idea, I swear he doesn't." 

"Okay, but-" 

"In fact," Vanya said. "I think it's killing him. I can _see_ it. I can _tell."_

"Alright." 

"I'm talking about both of them," Vanya said. "I think Baby Five is handling it better, which is kind of ironic. He's so young, but he has more ego strength. So he's handling it better." 

"Let's back up a little," Duchemin said. "What is he handling?" 

"The competition," Vanya said. "But I'm really afraid for him." 

"Why are you afraid?" 

"It's Luther," Vanya said. "He has low self esteem. He and Five, I mean Baby Five, they were getting along really well, you know?" 

"Okay." 

"They were getting along so well," Vanya said. "And I was so proud of them. I was proud of myself too because I wasn't jealous. I swear, I wasn't." 

"I believe you." 

"But then it all went to shit," Vanya said. "The Apocalypse Glitch, remember?" 

"I remember," Duchemin said. 

"And now they're spiraling," Vanya said. _"Both_ of them. It's so sad, Duchemin. It's breaking my heart." 

"I understand," Duchemin said. 

"Then Diego had to butt his stupid head in," Vanya said. "I wish he was still undercover. Goddammit, he should have just stayed away." 

"What did Diego do?" 

"He enabled Five's hero complex," Vanya said. "They both, they- dammit. Dammit!" 

"It's okay," Duchemin said. "Keep breathing." 

Vanya closed her eyes and took a moment to collect herself. Breathing. Breathing. 

Breathing was important. 

"Five taught me that," Vanya said. "He did it first. Before I ever met you, Duchemin, he told me about meditation. He walked me through it." 

And just like that, she was crying. They weren't explosive like Ben's tears, but they also weren't as dignified as Allison's. 

"I'm in the middle," Vanya told Duchemin. "I'm a middle tier crybaby." 

"Oh," Duchemin said. "Okay, let's unpack that." 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Kissing was nice. Kissing was cool. It wasn't a big deal. Plus, Krish was a gentleman. She never got too gropey and she never used tongue. 

Everything was going good, it was smooth sailing, the ship was flying. Flying! 

Then Five teleported into the apartment. Vanya heard it immediately and sprang away from Krish. 

It was lucky Five had chosen the hallway. If he'd come directly into the bedroom… well, that would have been mortifying. 

"Vanya?" Five called. "I'm ready to talk!" 

"Please, stay here," Vanya whispered to Krish.

"Huh?" Krish said. 

"I'll be right back," Vanya said. "You have to hide, I mean, just, don't leave this room." 

"Vanya?" Five called. "Fuck me. I should have texted. Fuck, _fuck-"_

"I'm here!" Vanya called. "I'm coming!" 

Vanya scrambled to straighten her clothes. 

"Do I have lipstick on my face?" Vanya whispered. 

"No," Krish whispered. "But you've got a bit on your neck." 

"Fuck!" 

Then Five teleported into the room. He looked at Krish and blushed. 

_"Oh,"_ Five said. "Terrible timing. I'm very sorry." 

"Wait!" Vanya said. "It's not what it looks like!" 

Five scowled. "I'm not a homophobe." 

"I believe you," Vanya said. 

"No, you don't," Five said. "Goddammit. Klaus poisoned you against me!" 

"No!" Vanya said. 

"Um," Krish said. "This looks like a family emergency." 

"Wow," Five said. "That's one way to put it." 

"How would you like to put it?" Krish said.

"This is a smart lady," Five said. "That's good, I admire that." 

Vanya blinked. 

"Thank you?" Krish said. 

"Your welcome," Five said. "I wish we could have met under better circumstances." 

"Right," Krish said. "Um, but I've heard a lot about you, so it's cool to see you. Um, nice super powers? They're really cool."

"Uh huh," Five said. "Maybe you're not as smart as I thought." 

Krish chuckled. "Nah, I'm just nervous." 

"Um," Vanya said. "Five, this is Krish." 

"Charmed," Five said. "Um, I'll let you two get back to... uh, whatever you were doing." 

"Don't go!" Vanya said. "I missed you." 

"I missed you too," Five said. "I was being childish and I'm sorry." 

"It was my fault," Vanya said. 

"No, it wasn't," Five said. "Look, I should have scheduled this better. I panicked, but that's no excuse. I'll never break the rules again, so please forgive me." 

"You don't need forgiveness," Vanya said.

"I don't?"

"You don't," Vanya said. "Let's delete that rule." 

"What?" Five said. "No. It was a reasonable rule, I should have-" 

"No," Vanya said. "I want you to ask me for help whenever you need it." 

Five frowned. "You've confused the issue."

"Should I go?" Krish said. "I think I should go." 

"Don't you dare," Five said. 

"Please go," Vanya said. "Um, but don't be offended. Sorry, I just-" 

"Don't worry your pretty little head, Vanya. I totally get it. This looks like a crisis." 

"Excuse you," Five said. "This is _not_ a crisis." 

"It's a family emergency," Vanya said. 

"You know what?" Five said. "No. No, it is _not."_

"Yes, it is!" 

"Are you taking Luther's side again?" Five said.

"No!" 

"Wow," Krish said. "Okay, there's no way to do this that won't be awkward. So. Just. Bye bye?" 

"Bye," Vanya said. "Thank you." 

Krish winked, then quickly hurried out of the bedroom. 

"Lock the front door behind you, woman!" Five called after her. "It's very important!" 

"Gotcha!" Krish called back. 

Vanya heard Krish shuffle through the apartment, then open and close the front door. 

But now wasn't the time for distracting super hearing nonsense. 

She focused her attention on Five, who was as stiff as a statue. 

"Are you okay?" 

"Yes," Five said. 

"I'm so-" 

"Don't you dare apologize to me again," Five said. "It's forbidden." 

"Yessir." 

"No!" Five said. "Don't call me sir." 

"Okay," Vanya said. "Um, you usually like that." 

Five glared at her.

"Don't you?" 

"You've never called me 'sir' before," Five said. "What the hell made you think I would like that?" 

"Ben and Klaus do it all the time!" 

"So?" Five said. "You're not like them." 

It was irrational, but this stoked the flames of jealousy and resentment. 

"Why?" Vanya demanded. 

"Huh?" 

"What's so wrong with me?" Vanya said. "Why can't I be like them?" 

Five groaned. "Vanyaaa. You're a girl." 

"Fuck you," Vanya said. 

"What?" Five said. "You don't want to be a girl?" 

"Huh?" 

"Um, I support your choice," Five said. 

"What choice?" 

"You can be a boy," Five said. "Uh, your feelings are valid?" 

Vanya blinked. 

"Just give me my marching orders," Five said. "What pronouns should I use? I've heard there are those who use one set in public and another set in private pre-transition because they're not ready to come out of-" 

"Wait," Vanya said. "You think I'm transgender?" 

"Did I get it wrong? Fuck." 

"No!" 

"Oh." Five looked relieved. "Look, I love you and accept you. So you don't have to be afraid to come out of the closet. Um, I can give you emotional support-" 

Vanya laughed. 

"What's funny?" Five said. 

"Wow," Vanya said. "Um, okay, sorry, I realized what happened. I should have said 'yes' right there. Sorry. You _did_ get it wrong, I just said 'no' as a reflex." 

Five frowned. "I'm confused." 

"My bad," Vanya said. "I'm cisgender." 

"Are you sure?" 

"Maybe," Vanya said. "But that's not the issue." 

"You're right," Five said. "You deserve an apology." 

"No," Vanya said. "I just want you to treat me as your equal." 

"I will," Five said. "You're Number One." 

"No," Vanya said. "That's not equal." 

"It isn't?" 

"Of course not," Vanya said. "It's a pedestal." 

"A pedestal?" 

"Yes," Vanya said. "It's not healthy." 

Five frowned thoughtfully. 

"Okay, look," Vanya said. "It was wrong, but I got offended when you said I'm not like Ben and Klaus." 

"Why did you get offended?" 

"Because you've always played with them in a different way than you've played with me?" 

Five tilted his head. "Are you talking pre-2002?" 

"Yeah," Vanya said. "I mean, it also applies to the present. But that's where it started. In our childhoods." 

"Okay," Five said. "Elaborate." 

"It just feels so frustrating," Vanya said. "It feels like you're using my gender as an excuse." 

"An excuse for what?" 

"To justify shutting me out," Vanya said. "Because I have superpowers now, so you lost that excuse." 

Five's eyes widened. 

"I'm not mad at you," Vanya said. "I just want you to understand me." 

"Okay," Five said. "I get it." 

"You do?" 

"Yes, ma'am," Five said. 

Vanya blinked. 

"It's about respect," Five said. "That makes so much sense." 

"Um," Vanya said. "Yeah? Because I was Number Seven." 

Five tucked his tie inside his shirt. "I am about to do something very embarrassing." 

"Oh?" 

"Don't you dare laugh at me," Five said. "If you laugh, I will teleport. This is your only warning." 

Vanya grinned. "I won't laugh." 

Five cleared his throat. "Let me preface this by saying... in Japan, it's culturally acceptable." 

Vanya squinted at him. "Um... I hear you." 

Five took a deep breath. 

Then, he straightened his shoulders, put both arms firmly behind his back- in a way that reminded her of Luther- and then carefully bowed at a ninety degree angle. 

Vanya stared at him. 

"Don't get it twisted," Five muttered. 

"Um," Vanya said. "Don't get what twisted?" 

"Subjugation isn't the same as, uh, as low self esteem," Five said. "I'm not putting you on a pedestal. I'm respecting you." 

Vanya blinked. 

Five straightened back up and cleared his throat. "You earned that apology bow fair and square." 

"I did?" Vanya said. 

"Yes, you did," Five said. "You're a queen." 

Vanya frowned. 

"A chess queen," Five insisted. "The most powerful piece on the board!" 

Vanya grinned. "Really?" 

"Yes," Five said. "And I live to serve." 

Vanya chuckled. "Aw. I hope you're joking." 

Five shrugged. 

Vanya studied him. "You… you _are_ joking, right?" 

"Sure," Five said. 

"Wait a minute," Vanya said. "I thought you were an alpha?" 

Five snapped his fingers. "Exactly!" 

"I'm confused," Vanya said. 

"No," Five said. "You got it exactly right! Good job, good job." 

Chuckling nervously now, Vanya said, "Thank you?" 

"Your welcome," Five said. "There we go. I'm glad we're on the same page." 

"But I'm… okay, don't be mad." 

"I'll never get mad at you _ever_ again," Five said. 

"No," Vanya said. 

"No?" 

"You're allowed to get mad at me," Vanya said. 

"I am?" 

"Yes! Fuck." 

"Understood," Five said. "Thank you." 

"Oh my god!" Vanya said. "You're acting like Luther!" 

Five scowled. "It's not the same." 

"Yes, it is!" 

"Okay," Five said. "I figured it out." 

"What did you figure out?" 

"This whole time," Five said. "You were confused about the hierarchy." 

"What hierarchy?" 

"You know," Five said. "The family hierarchy." 

Vanya scowled. 

"Don't get it twisted," Five said. "It's not numerical." 

"Sure it isn't," Vanya said. 

"You're at the _top_ now," Five said. "Look, I understand that you have, um, hang ups. Because pre- 2002, you were at the bottom of the food chain." 

Vanya winced. 

"It's my fault," Five said. "I should have noticed. I should have done something about it, but instead I, um… what was that word?" 

"What word?" 

"You know," Five said. 

Vanya sighed. 

Five snapped his fingers. "Enable!" 

"Oh," Vanya said. "I get what you're saying." 

Five grinned. "Am I a good boy?" 

"Okay, what the hell," Vanya said. "This is… you've never acted like this before." 

Five deflated. "Sorry. Is it gross?" 

"No!"

"Don't lie," Five said. "You're absolutely right. Fuck, what was I thinking?" 

"What _are_ you thinking?"

"It's disrespectful to speak that way in front of a lady. In the future, I'll-" 

_"No!"_

The lightbulb over their heads shattered, but Five didn't flinch. Instead, he put his arms behind his back again.

 _It's a military pose,_ Vanya realized. _The one Dad put them into when they were on standby?_

"I'm so sorry," Vanya said. 

Five nodded. "I accept your apology." 

"You do?" 

"Yes, ma'am." 

"No," Vanya said. "Don't ma'am me." 

"Yessir." 

"No!" 

"Is there a third pronoun?" Five said. 

"What?" 

"Just give me my marching orders," Five said. "I'll call you whatever you want to be called." 

"Call me _Vanya_ for fuck's sake." 

"Okay," Five said. "That's easy." 

"Wow," Vanya said. "I have a headache." 

"Understood," Five said. "Disappearing in three-" 

"Wait!" Vanya said. "Why are you leaving me?" 

"I'm not leaving you," Five said. "Sorry, I thought that was a dismissal." 

Vanya groaned. 

"Maybe we need to update the rules," Five said. "We've both gotten a bit confused, but don't worry. I'll fix it." 

"You don't need to fix it!" Vanya screamed. "There's nothing wrong with you, goddammit!" 

Five twitched a little, but he maintained his military pose. 

If it wasn't for the trickle of blood that dripped out of his left ear, Vanya wouldn't have noticed. 

She'd gotten _way_ too loud. 

"Vanya?" Five said. "What's wrong?" 

"Doesn't it hurt?" Vanya murmured. 

Five frowned. "Huh?" 

"Your ear," Vanya whispered. "You're bleeding." 

Five blinked. Then he touched his ear and found the blood. 

_"Oh,"_ Five said. "Whoopsie daisy." 

"Five." Vanya spoke as carefully as possible. "Please be honest." 

"Of course," Five said. "About what?" 

"Do your ears hurt?" Vanya said. 

Five shrugged. 

"Speak," Vanya said. 

"Okay fine," Five said. "A little. But don't worry. I got this." 

"What?" 

"You don't need to worry," Five said. "You can trust me." 

"Trust you?" 

"I'm not like the others," Five said. "I'm a rock." 

"A rock?" 

"Yeah," Five said. "So… hmm… I've been meaning to bring this up for a while now, but I couldn't figure out how to articulate it." 

"Wait," Vanya said. "Let's sit down." 

"Yessir," Five said. "Whoops. I mean. Yes, Vanya." 

_Oh my god,_ Vanya thought. _What the hell did I do?_

Five glanced at her bed and frowned. 

"Can we go to the living room?" Five said. "I don't want to sit on your bed." 

"Yes!" Vanya said. "Yes, yes, thank you for saying so. Thank you for, um, for voicing your desire." 

Five puffed himself up proudly. "You're very welcome." 

_Shit,_ Vanya thought. _Shit!_

It was important to breathe. It was important to stay calm and collected. Don't panic, don't react. 

"Don't worry," Five said. "I'm a genius." 

"Um, yes," Vanya said. "I know that." 

"Just… don't hide your lips." 

"Huh?" 

"You don't do it as often as you used to," Five said. "But I've realized it's like Diego's stutter. And it makes it so hard to, uh, to keep the conversation going when I… just don't do it okay? Please?" 

Vanya stared at him. 

Not for the first time, she felt as if he was speaking a foreign language. Shame flooded her, because this meant she had failed. She'd lost. 

"Don't hate me," Vanya murmured. "But I'm _so_ confused." 

"Shhh," Five said. "It's okay. Let's go sit down, like you said. C'mon. Chop chop." 

Never in her life had she been so relieved to be bossed around. Vanya dutifully followed him to the living room and they sat down. 

She felt as if she'd been transported back in time, somehow. She carefully tilted her head down, so her hair would fall around her face. 

Like a shield. 

"No, no," Five said. "Don't use your hair either. I need to keep an eye on your lips." 

"What?" Vanya said. "Why?" 

"I'm trying to communicate," Five said. "That's your favorite thing, right? Isn't that what you wanted?" 

"It _is,"_ Vanya said. "Thank you. I'm sorry." 

"Don't be sorry," Five said. "We're a team, right?" 

"Yes," Vanya said. "We're equals." 

Five flickered with blue light. 

Did he rewind? 

"Let's forget about the hierarchy," Five said. "I understand you. It feels oppressive, doesn't it?" 

"Yes," Vanya murmured. 

"I got you," Five said. "How about this: we're _both_ alphas." 

"We are?" 

"Fuck yes," Five said. "But you're the queen and I'm the knight." 

"The knight?" 

"Yeah," Five said. "And don't worry. You're a warrior queen. I know it. Don't doubt me." 

"Oh," Vanya said. "But why do we have to be warriors?" 

"Huh?" 

Thinking fast, Vanya remembered the analogy that had convinced Old Five to go to therapy. 

"A treaty," Vanya said. "Let's sign a treaty." 

"Excellent," Five said. "What are your terms?"

"Um…" 

"Take your time," Five said. "We don't have to decide this today." 

"Thank you," Vanya said. "But there's a point I'm trying to make. It's important." 

"I'm listening," Five said. 

"This is peacetime," Vanya said. "There isn't a war." 

Five sighed. 

"I'm serious," Vanya said. 

"I know," Five said. "I apologize." 

"Don't apologize." 

"I would happily castrate myself for you," Five said. 

"No!" 

"It's a figure of speech, Vanya." 

"It's an unhealthy mindset, is what it is." 

"Fine," Five said. "I'll remove that phrase from my lexicon." 

Vanya groaned. 

"Did I misunderstand you?" Five said. "You have to be clear with your instructions." 

"I'm not giving you instructions," Vanya said. 

"Nonsense." 

"I'm not!" 

"It's okay," Five said. "That's your right." 

"My right?" 

"Yes," Five said. "I'm not like the others. I want to cooperate." 

"Why?" 

"Huh?" 

"Why do you want to cooperate?" Vanya said. "Where did this come from?" 

"I'm not sure what you're asking me?" 

"You pulled a 180!" Vanya said. 

_"Oh,"_ Five said. "I get where I went wrong. Thank you." 

"Tell me what you're thinking," Vanya said. 

"Yes- um, yes," Five said. "Okay, so I had an epiphany." 

"You did?" 

"I realized my anger was irrational," Five said. "And it was unfair of me to take it out on you and Luther." 

"Wow," Vanya said. "Thank you." 

"Your welcome," Five said. "So, from now on, I'll behave myself. Like an adult." 

"Oh," Vanya said. "That's good?" 

"You don't think so?" 

"I don't know," Vanya said. "I'm terrified." 

"It's okay," Five said. "I ran the numbers. It's very unlikely that anyone else will get sucked in." 

"Sucked in?" 

"Sucked into the Apocalypse Glitch," Five said. "It's just an unfortunate side effect of cheating the system, is all. It's karma." 

"How is it karma?" 

"We ran away from our native time," Five said. "So it's only fair-" 

"Pause," Vanya said. 

Five smiled and mimed zipping his lips shut. 

"Um," Vanya said. "I just need some time." 

Five nodded. 

"You're allowed to speak," Vanya said. "I just, I need to process what you're trying to tell me. Because I really, really want to understand you, but I'm having a hard time today." 

"I understand," Five said. "It's a bad head day." 

"A bad head day?" 

"That's what Klaus calls it," Five said. 

"But what does it mean?" 

Five avoided eye contact. "Ask Klaus." 

"Oh," Vanya said. "Okay. I'll do that. Don't worry." 

Five glanced at her. "Sorry, can you repeat that?" 

"I'll ask Klaus." 

"Oh," Five said. "Good. Should I get him for you?" 

"No," Vanya said. "I want _you."_

Five _beamed._ "I'm getting better at it." 

"At what?" 

"Um," Five said. "At being nice?" 

_"Oh,"_ Vanya said. "Yes, yes you are. Good job." 

Five preened at the praise and it was the most adorable thing she'd ever seen. 

_I have to praise him more often,_ Vanya thought. _I will_ **_shower_ ** _him with praise if that's what he needs!_

"So, um," Five said. "Do you want me to get you some ice cream?" 

"No, thank you," Vanya said. 

"Gotcha," Five said. "Um… a cartoon?" 

"You want to watch a cartoon?" 

"Sure," Five said. "What's the name of that one with the singing lesbians?" 

Vanya chuckled. "Steven Universe?" 

"Yeah," Five said. "You like that one, right?" 

"I _do,"_ Vanya said. "But I need to process, so I'd rather sit with my thoughts for a while. In silence." 

"Understood," Five said. "Do you want me to stay or to go?" 

"Stay," Vanya said. "Please?" 

"Of course," Five said. "I love you most." 

"I love you most-est," Vanya said. "Can I have a hug?" 

"Yes, you can," Five said. "You can have whatever you want." 

At the time, Vanya was too exhausted to analyze what Five meant by that. 

Talking to him was like conversing with Oedipus Rex's Sphinx, who guarded the truth behind a wall of riddles. 

Later, she would unlock the code and be horrified. But on that day, she happily received Five's cuddles and was _ecstatic_ when he agreed to a sleepover. 

It was wrong, but she was still competing with Ben in the back of her mind. Ben, who had been hogging the sleep hugs. 

_Not anymore, Ben!_ Vanya thought. _I'm the queen, fuckers! I won!_

It would turn out to be a bittersweet victory, but she didn't know that yet. 

Not just yet. 


	2. Genius

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for discussions/ allusions to potential molestation scenarios. No one was molested, but there's a misunderstanding that revolves around the topic.

_When we speak we are afraid our words will not be heard nor welcomed, but when we are silent we are still afraid._

_― Audre Lorde_

  
  
  


Living with Vanya was the best thing ever. Why hadn't they thought of it sooner? It was perfect! It was genius! 

She moved them into a two bedroom apartment and put a bunk bed in the master bedroom. Another stroke of genius! This way, if Ben accidentally suffocated him, there was a polite escape.

"I like it too," Ben said. "Because you get to stay in the room with me and I can just, um, look up and see you to reassure myself that you're still there." 

"Fuck yes," Five said. "The Fates are smiling at us." 

"The Fates?" 

"Can't you see it, Ben?" Five said. "We're being rewarded for our good behavior!" 

Ben shifted uncomfortably. "Oh. I get it." 

"That's okay," Five said. "I had another epiphany." 

"You did?" 

_"Yes,"_ Five said. "So I'm going to explain the Fates, but first, I want you to know something." 

"Okay," Ben said. 

"If I confuse you," Five said. "You don't have to feel bad." 

"I don't?"

"No," Five said. "It's okay to be confused. You're _allowed_ to be confused." 

"Oh," Ben said. "Thank you." 

"I'm going to repeat myself a little," Five said. "I know I used to say I hated redundancies, but I changed my mind." 

"You did?" 

"Yes," Five said. "Because I've been having so many epiphanies! Damn, it's so- God, I can't even. Ah!" 

Ben giggled. "You're really excited." 

"I am!" Five said. "I'm so excited, I'm exploding with it! Sorry, sorry, give me a second to calm down." 

"Aaaw," Ben said. "You don't have to calm down. I love it." 

"You do?" 

"Fuck yes," Ben said. "You're ado- you're charming when you get like this." 

"Aha!" Five said. "Another epiphany!" 

Ben chuckled. "Okay?" 

"I realized," Five said. "That 'adorable' is not an insult." 

Ben grinned. "You're right." 

"I know, right?!" Five said. "So... so call me adorable!" 

"Hell yeah!" Ben said. "You're the most adorable guy in the family!" 

Impulsively, Five threw his arms around Ben and gave him a big squeeze. 

The look on Ben's face was priceless. He smiled so wide it looked like his face would break. 

"Permission to hug me back," Five said. 

Immediately, Ben returned the hug. But it was a weak little embrace. Too light, too light. 

"Oh," Five said. "I'm sorry for freaking out before. Um, it was a trauma response." 

"That's okay," Ben said. "I understand you." 

"But you don't have to be afraid," Five said. "As long as you only do it when I tell you to do it, you can squeeze me." 

"Are you sure?" Ben said. "I don't want you to force yourself like, um, like you did with the sleepovers." 

"I'll never force myself again," Five said. "Dr. Kashif was right. It was, like, it was a bomb waiting to go off." 

"That's not how he said it," Ben said. "But yeah, that's... it's accurate." 

"Can you squeeze me?" Five said. "Tighter. Match me." 

Ben did so and it was amazing. The happiness was so overwhelming, Five was momentarily rendered speechless. 

"You okay?" Ben said. 

Five nodded eagerly. 

"Just checking," Ben said. "Do you need time?" 

Again, Five nodded. 

So Ben waited. 

When he'd finally calmed down, Five said, "Dismissing the hug." 

Immediately, Ben released him. 

"Good job!" Five said. "Thank you!" 

"Your welcome, sir," Ben said. "Whoops. Sorry, I mean-" 

"That's okay," Five said. "I like it." 

Ben looked nervous. "Are you just saying that?" 

"No," Five said. "I like it." 

"You said only Klaus was allowed to call you sir," Ben said. "You said-" 

"I changed my mind," Five said. "You're also allowed." 

Ben grinned. "Thank you, sir." 

"Oh yeah," Five said. "I got distracted. I need to explain about the confusion thing." 

"Ha ha," Ben said. "The confusion thing confused me." 

Five laughed. 

And Ben looked so proud of himself, which made Five laugh even _harder._

In order to stifle this overflow of giggles, Five had to cover his mouth with his hands. 

Like Vanya often did, except he wasn't feeling ashamed. He just... damn. 

What was this feeling? 

"You okay?" Ben said. 

Five composed himself, put his hands down, and straightened up.

"I self reflected," Five announced

"Awesome," Ben said. "Introspection is a virtue." 

"Yes, it is," Five said. "And so is owning up to our mistakes." 

"Mistakes?" 

"I messed up," Five said. "I was punishing you whenever you got confused." 

Ben winced. 

"It was wrong," Five said. "It was selfish." 

Ben avoided eye contact.

"From now on," Five said. "I'm going to be an adult about it." 

"About what?" 

"You know," Five said. "I'll handle my disappointment with dignity and grace." 

For some reason, this made Ben tear up a little. 

"Um," Five said. "Happy tears or sad tears?" 

Ben shrugged. 

"That's okay," Five said. "Luther says you're allowed to ignore questions if you want to." 

Ben nodded. 

"You need time?" Five said. 

"Requesting another hug," Ben said. "But you can turn me down if you need to." 

Five chuckled. "Perfect. Aw, you're so cute, so you _deserve_ a hug!" 

Ben sniffed. "I do?" 

"Yes, you do," Five said. "But, this time, don't you dare hug me back." 

"Understood," Ben said. "Thank you." 

"Fuck yes," Five said. "I love this. Okay, here I go."

Five made sure to give Ben his favorite type of hug, complete with back rubs and head pats. 

And Ben cried a little more, but they were gentle tears. Like Allison's. And they didn't last long. 

_Upgrade?_ Five thought. _Am I winning?_

"Thank you," Ben murmured. "I love you most." 

"I love you most-est," Five said. 

Right there, right then, Five had his umpteenth epiphany. 

He had forgotten to explain about the Fates. 

But! 

Of course, of course, it all made sense now. It. Made. Sense! 

Some things weren't _supposed_ to be explained. That's what being a man was all about. Finally, finally, he'd found the tree of knowledge! He'd solved the puzzle! 

"I'm a genius," Five said. 

"Fuck yes," Ben said. "You're the smartest guy on the face of the Earth!" 

Five chuckled and pulled away from the hug. 

Ben allowed it, but he looked nervous. 

_I have to reassure him,_ Five told himself firmly. _Ben thinks a hug ending means he's being punished. So he needs a reward as a counter balance._

"Hmm," Five said. "You, my precious brother, are the _cutest_ guy on the face of the Earth." 

"Really?" Ben said. "Am I cuter than Vanya?" 

"Than Vanya?" 

"Sorry," Ben said. "That was mean." 

"You're both cute," Five said. "But different types of cute." 

"Okay," Ben said. "Thank you." 

"No," Five said. "Dial it back." 

"Dial what back?" 

"Don't thank me for unnecessary things," Five said. "I only want to hear 'thank you' when I deserve it." 

"Oh," Ben said. "But how will I... um." 

"Yes?" Five said. 

"Nevermind," Ben said. 

"That won't do," Five said. "Speak your mind." 

"Yes sir," Ben said. "Um... I was just wondering, uh, how do I know when you deserve to be thanked?" 

"Oh," Five said. "Hmm. I don't know how to answer that question." 

"That's okay," Ben said. "It's my bad." 

"Huh?" 

"Shit," Ben said. "Sorry, um, fuck." 

"Whoa," Five said. "What did I do wrong?" 

"Nothing!" Ben said. "It was _me._ It's all on me." 

"What's all on you?" 

"Um," Ben said. "I have low self esteem." 

"Oh," Five said. "Uh, yeah, you already told me that." 

"Shit," Ben said. "Redundancy." 

_"No,"_ Five said. "Bad boy." 

"I'm so sorry!" 

"Wait," Five said. "You misunderstood." 

For some reason, this reignited Ben's tears, but this time they were _not_ gentle. 

"Hey, hey," Five said. "It's okay, it's okay! Throw that rule out, yeah? That's all I meant! Redundancies are _allowed."_

"I'm sorry," Ben said. "Right, sorry, I'm having a hard time keeping up with all the changes, I'm sorry." 

"Oh," Five said. 

"I'm so sorry," Ben said. "I'll be faster." 

"Don't be sorry," Five said. "I'll stop making changes." 

"You will?" 

"Yeah," Five said. "It's needlessly confusing. All these updates all the time. Jeez. I felt exactly the same way." 

At these words, Ben _beamed._

"Awesome!" Ben said. "That's great!" 

_Fixed it!_

"I'm glad we got that settled," Five said. "Don't you feel better?" 

"Yes!" Ben said. "I feel _so_ much better, thank you!" 

Five snapped his fingers. "See, that's an example of gratitude that I _deserve."_

Ben whooped, and did a little fist bump. 

"You get it?" Five said. 

"Yes!" Ben said. "Say, 'exactly' one more time. Can you say it?" 

Five smirked. "Exactly." 

"Fuck yes!" Ben said. "Oh my god, you killed me with that." 

Five laughed. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


When Ben left for school, Vanya finally came out of her room. 

"Hey," Vanya said. "What are your, uh, plans for the day?" 

_She doesn't like the standby pose,_ Five thought. _How should I stand? Fuck._

"Five?"

"I have no plans whatsoever," Five said. "Why do you ask?" 

_Does she need help?_ Five wondered. _Does she want me?_

"I don't have any plans either," Vanya said. "Do you want to go somewhere?" 

Reflexively, Five wrinkled his nose. 

"We don't have to," Vanya said. "We can do whatever you want." 

_Fuck! I fucked up!_

"Is there somewhere you need to go?" Five said. "Or want to go?"

"No, no," Vanya said. 

Vanya was a fun puzzle, but she was also frustrating. It was obvious when she wanted something, but she was never willing to ask outright. 

"We can go _anywhere,"_ Five said. "The world is our oyster." 

"I know that," Vanya said. "But I wanted, um, like... you haven't gone anywhere since you moved in." 

"Oh," Five said. "Did that confuse you?" 

Vanya winced. 

"We talked about this," Five said. "Confusion is nobody's fault." 

"Right," Vanya said. "Sorry." 

"It's okay," Five said. "Everything's okay. I'm not mad." 

"Thank you," Vanya said. 

"I'll explain it," Five said. "I haven't gone anywhere because I love this apartment." 

Vanya smiled. "You do?"

"Heck yeah," Five said. "You found the perfect place. You did a great job." 

Vanya chuckled. "Thank you." 

Vanya was more difficult to please than Ben, but he was finally figuring it out. 

Slowly but surely, Five would decipher her code. And the Fates would reward his efforts! 

"What are you thinking?" Vanya said. 

"I love you so much it hurts," Five said. 

Vanya frowned. "Are you okay?" 

It was tempting to rewind, but that would be cheating. And anyway, that power had to be saved for ear splitting emergencies. 

"I am _very_ happy," Five said. "Sorry, I copied that one from Ben." 

"Oh," Vanya said. 

"I'll delete it," Five said. 

"No," Vanya said. "Please, I don't want you to censor yourself." 

"Okay," Five said. "Oh hey! I've been doing more self reflecting." 

"That's good," Vanya said. 

"Stop me if you get annoyed," Five said. "But I want to talk about the pirates." 

"The pirates?" 

"Yeah," Five said. "I don't know if you remember, but we got into a _big_ fight about them. Me, Klaus, and Ben and then sort of Luther? It was a tangled mess." 

Vanya nodded hesitantly. 

"It was a really long time ago," Five said. "So don't feel bad if you forgot." 

"Thank you," Vanya said. "I _did_ forget, but I won't feel bad." 

"Okay," Five said. "So, I messed up. I accidentally punished Ben. And then he got really mad at Klaus and Luther. But it was _my_ fault." 

"I'm confused," Vanya said. 

"Gotcha," Five said. "That's perfect, thank you for telling me." 

Vanya smiled. 

"Give me a second," Five said. "I need to figure out how to explain myself." 

"Okay," Vanya said. "But first, I have a confession." 

"Oh yeah?" Five said. 

"I've been self reflecting too," Vanya said. "And I decided honesty is important." 

"Alright," Five said. 

"The thing is," Vanya said. "It's an accident." 

"What's an accident?" 

"I have super hearing," Vanya said. "It's not something I can control." 

"I knew that," Five said. "So what?" 

Vanya fidgeted with her hands and Five squinted at her. 

It was a mistake. The scrutiny embarrassed her, perhaps.

Vanya looked down, hiding her face with her hair, and chose _that_ moment to finally speak. And she spoke too quietly. 

Five sighed and leaned closer, turning his head so that his good ear was facing her. 

"Speak up," Five said.

"Sorry," Vanya said. 

"No," Five said. "Just speak up. Speak up." 

Vanya straightened up, took a deep breath, and said. "I was eavesdropping!" 

"Oh," Five said. "Well… I figured?" 

"You did?" 

"Duh," Five said. "Super hearing. You said it yourself, you can't help it." 

Vanya chuckled nervously. 

"So what about it?" Five said. 

"I just don't know how to, um," Vanya said. "You and Ben, it's like... shit. Doesn't it bother you? I've been home all day." 

"It doesn't bother me," Five said. "But if it bothers _you_ I can, um… should we refrain from speaking in the apartment? We can go to the park to give you some quiet?" 

"No, no," Vanya said. "I want you to be at home. I want you to be comfortable." 

"But what about you?" 

"It doesn't bother me," Vanya said. "I was just worried you would be embarrassed. Or that, if you found out later, you would be angry?" 

"Oh," Five said. "Then… no? I'm not angry or embarrassed."

"Are you sure?" 

Five frowned. "I feel like I'm missing something." 

"You aren't," Vanya said. "You, um, I mean, I think we're just… we have to get used to each other. To living together." 

Five pursed his lips. "Requesting instructions." 

"Instructions?" 

"Yeah," Five said. "Guessing is exhausting." 

"Oh," Vanya said. "But… instructions for what?" 

"For living together?" 

Vanya frowned. 

"Damn," Five said. "That's too vague, isn't it?" 

"Um… yeah." 

"Wow," Five said. "I guess we're stuck between a rock and a hard place." 

Vanya chuckled

"We'll figure it out," Five said. "Don't you worry your pretty little head." 

That phrase made Vanya grin, and she laughed a little more. 

_Fuck yeah,_ **_thank you_** _, mystery lesbian,_ Five thought, grinning back. _I shall never forget your wise words!_

"But can we backtrack?" Vanya said. "The pirates, I mean." 

"Yes, Vee," Five said. "Okay, so… it was one humongous misunderstanding." 

"I think I remember now," Vanya said. "Um, you thought pirates were perverts?" 

"It was Klaus's fault," Five said. "He made me think they were having giant orgies all the time." 

Vanya blinked. 

"But I thought he would get mad at me," Five said. "So I kept it to myself and then-" 

"Pause," Vanya said. 

Five nodded. 

"Does Klaus… does he…" 

"Does he what?" Five said. 

Vanya sighed. "Actually, I'm going to table that. Continue the story." 

"Are you sure?" 

"Yes." Vanya smiled one of her angry smiles. "Why did you think Klaus would be mad at you?" 

Or maybe it wasn't an angry smile. Five decided he would reserve judgement. 

"He was always calling me homophobic," Five said. "So I was secretly hating the pirates, you know? For a while, I kept it to myself." 

"Okay," Vanya said. "But then Klaus found out?" 

"No," Five said. "This is the part where I messed up. I told Luther." 

"You told Luther you hated pirates?" 

"Not exactly," Five said. "But I said I didn't like them anymore because Klaus had ruined them for me." 

"Okay," Vanya said. "So then Klaus got mad at Luther?" 

"No," Five said. _"Ben_ got mad at Luther." 

"Why?" Vanya said. 

"At the time," Five said. "I was really confused about it. But then Ben told me he didn't like me telling Luther. Especially since I didn't tell _him_ about my secret pirate phobia." 

"Oh," Vanya said. "Okay." 

"And Ben also got mad at Klaus," Five said. "See, Ben was really _really_ fond of pirates. He was hyperfixating on them." 

"Right," Vanya said. "I think I remember that phase. It was after the Jane Austen one?" 

"Not right after," Five said. "But close enough. So, um, like... I was practically anti-pirate and Ben was really sad about it. That's another place where I messed up." 

"No," Vanya said. 

"No?"

"Stop saying you messed up," Vanya said. "You're allowed to dislike things that other people like." 

"Sure," Five said. "But anyway I think Ben misunderstood me and he thought I was punishing him. Like, I didn't realize it until recently, but he's really paranoid." 

"Ben is paranoid?" Vanya said. 

"He's got a binary way of thinking," Five said. "Everything is either a reward or a punishment, so now I know I have to be careful to keep his self esteem up." 

"Wait," Vanya said. "No, that's not your responsibility." 

"It's not?" 

"No!" Vanya said. "It's not!" 

Five shrugged. "Okay. It's not." 

"I'm serious," Vanya said. "Listen to me, this is important." 

"What is?" 

"I'm not trying to shame you guys for the 'sir' thing," Vanya said. "But I think it got a little weird for a second there. Earlier today, I mean." 

"What was weird?" Five said. "I thought you said it wasn't gross?" 

"It's not gross," Vanya said. "But it might be a little unhealthy." 

"Am I allowed to disagree?" 

Vanya sighed. 

"Hear me out," Five said. "It's just like the pirates." 

"How is it like the pirates?" 

"I misunderstood them," Five said. "I thought they were sex fiends. I thought they were… um, constantly going below decks." 

Vanya groaned. 

"But I was wrong, Vee," Five insisted. "That's not what the pirates were doing."

"I have another question," Vanya said. 

"Awesome," Five said. "Go for it." 

"Has anyone touched you?" Vanya said. 

"Are you talking figuratively or literally?" Five said. 

"I mean literally," Vanya said. "And I don't mean a hug or a head pat… I mean, has anyone touched you in a place that you didn't want to be touched?" 

"No," Five said. 

"Think carefully," Vanya said. 

Five frowned. "Um… I guess Dad?" 

Her eyes widened. 

"Okay, look," Five said. "If I tell you a secret, can you promise Ben won't find out? He really hates being left out, but I don't want him to know about this one." 

"I promise," Vanya said. 

Five glared at the ceiling.

"He knows a little bit, mind you. I gave him a _little_ bit of… ugh, I shouldn't have even told him as much as I did, because he ended up falling into an irrational guilt spiral over it." 

Five glanced back at her and noticed she was covering her mouth. Tears were leaking out… and that was a _lot_ worse than Ben crying. 

Vanya only cried when things were _really_ hard on her. 

"Maybe I should rewind," Five murmured. 

"Don't you dare!" 

"Fuck," Five said. "I changed my mind. I don't want to tell you." 

_"Please,"_ Vanya said. "Please, I want to help you." 

"You misunderstood me," Five said. "I don't need help in the first place?" 

"I'm _so_ sorry!" Vanya said.

"Fuck," Five said. "You're just like Ben." 

**"NO!"**

It was funny. If he'd just listened to old man Five, his left ear would have healed itself. 

If he'd remembered, he would have rewinded the damage from that first time. 

But Five hadn't paid enough attention to the old man's advice. By the time he realized rewinds were like healing potions, too much time had already gone by. 

So there was no fixing the left ear, but he didn't need to lose both of them. 

Five rewinded. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


"Think carefully," Vanya said. 

"I got caught twice," Five said. "I didn't think it was all that bad, but Kashif said it traumatized me." 

"Caught?" Vanya said. 

"I just don't like being touched unexpectedly," Five said. "It's not even about permission, necessarily, it's just that I want to see it coming." 

"See what coming?" 

"If you're going to hug me or whatever," Five said. "I already told Ben. Sorry, I should have brought it up sooner? Are you mad?" 

"I'm not mad," Vanya said. "Thank you for telling me." 

"Your welcome." 

"Can I ask something else?" Vanya said. 

"Sure." 

"Was it Dad?" 

"Yes."

"And was it during training?" Vanya said.

"Oh," Five said. "No, it was in 2005. And then again in 2007." 

He kept a close eye on her for a potential explosion. Vanya was staring at him like a bug under a microscope and she was breathing deeply. 

In. Out. It meant she was nervous. Or mad? 

He was still trying to match up her actions to her emotions. 

"I'm not mad," Vanya said. "But what the hell are you talking about?" 

"Oh," Five said. "Uh, it was the second and the third Apocalypse Glitch." 

"What?" Vanya said. "But… what?" 

"Shit," Five said. "I guess I forgot to explain. The easiest way to fix the Apocalypse is to reboot the timeline, you know?" 

Vanya covered her face with her hands. 

"Va-Vee? What's wrong?" 

"I'm confused…. amed for … orry." 

He wasn't able to hear the whole thing, but the crux of the problem was obvious: it all went back to accidentally punishing Ben for any confusion! 

He'd done the same thing to Vanya, hadn't he? What a mean spirited little kid thing to do. But now that he knew, he could be _better._

"That's okay," Five said. "That's all my fault, don't feel bad." 

Vanya put her hands down and stomped her foot. "It's _not_ your fault!" 

_Hmm,_ Five thought. _It hurts, but if I can still hear it would be a waste to rewind._

"Test," Five said. 

He could hear himself. 

"What?" Vanya said. 

Five grinned. He could still hear _her._ That clinched it, no rewind necessary. 

"Sorry," Five said. "I got distracted. Um, and I'm very sorry that… did I trigger you?" 

"Yes," Vanya said, miserably.

"I'm terribly sorry," Five said. "I'll try to-" 

"Pause!" Vanya said. 

Five nodded. 

"Fuck," Vanya said. "Bad head day." 

"Understood!" Five said. "What do you need?" 

"We need to table this conversation," Vanya said. "I'm too pathetic to handle it." 

"Aw, you aren't pathetic," Five said. "I love you most, it's okay." 

And Vanya was crying again.

"You can hug me," Five said. "In fact! Let's take a nap, yeah? Can we take a nap together?" 

"Yes, please," Vanya said. 

"Fuck yes," Five said. "I have an idea. Can I show you something?" 

She wiped at her eyes and took a couple deep breaths. 

Then she nodded. 

"This is going to be great," Five said. "Just you wait. C'mon, c'mon, let's go to your room." 

The hard part was the logistics. Especially since Vanya was a girl. But he'd finally found a solution! 

When they got to her bed, Five carefully sat himself against the headboard and then put a pillow on his lap. 

"Come here," Five said. "Sit in front of me." 

Vanya was as hesitant as an injured bird, but Five had a theory. She was touch starved! Always wanting hugs, but afraid to ask for them. 

He was determined to fix it. 

"Why are we sitting?" Vanya said. "I thought you preferred to lie down against each other?" 

"Cuddling like that is nice too," Five said. "But this is even better. You'll see. Come closer." 

This whole time, he'd been neglecting Vanya. It was another one of the recent epiphanies. 

She crawled towards him and he opened his legs, but was careful to keep the pillow in place. 

"Wh-what are you doing?" Vanya said. 

"Don't worry," Five said. "The pillow will protect you. This is going to be _platonic._ I'm not like Luther." 

"You're… what?" 

"You said you felt left out," Five said. "You said I was using your gender as an excuse, remember?" 

"Yes…" 

"I want to give you cuddles," Five said. "I want to give you all the affection you deserve, but I was afraid of being a pervert." 

Vanya took a deep breath. 

"Do you hear me?" Five said. 

"I think so," Vanya said. "You weren't favoring the guys… you were respecting me?" 

"Exactly," Five said. 

Vanya _beamed._

"So this is called a jet pack," Five said. "It's like spooning?" 

_"Oh,"_ Vanya said. "So… cuddling, but sitting up?" 

"Yes," Five said. "And it's my _favorite._ I'll wrap my legs around you. I'll hug you with four limbs!" 

Vanya giggled and it was nostalgic. It was a nervous giggle, but cute too. Like pre-2002 Vanya. 

Like they'd finally gone home. 

"I get it!" Vanya said. "I get it!" 

"So c'mere," Five said. "Let me love you." 

"Which way should I face?" Vanya said. "Where do I put _my_ um, my limbs?" 

"You face away from me," Five said. "And you can grab a pillow to hug while I'm hugging you? That's what Ben does." 

Vanya frowned. 

"What's wrong?" 

"Can I ask you a question?" Vanya said. 

"Of course." 

"Would it bother you if… if _I_ was the big spoon?" Vanya said. "Would it be traumatizing?" 

Five chuckled. "Nah, that wouldn't be traumatizing. That works too." 

"Are you sure?" Vanya said. "Um… have you ever done it that way before?" 

"Honestly? It hadn't occurred to me." 

Vanya grinned. "So I'm the first?" 

_Aha!_ Five thought. _I get it!_

"Yes, Vee," Five said. "And you know what else?" 

"What?" 

"I'm only going to let _you_ be the big spoon," Five said. "Because you. Are. Special."

Vanya looked _delighted_ to hear this. 

"Just don't tell Ben," Five said. "Deal?" 

"I promise," Vanya said. "I'll _never_ tell." 

"Good job," Five said. "This is going to be great." 

He moved so that she could sit against the headboard and then placed himself in between her legs, with his back up against her torso. 

She wrapped her legs and arms around him. 

It was actually surprisingly comfortable. 

"You can squeeze me," Five said. "In fact, squeeze me as hard as you can." 

"Really?" 

"Heck yeah," Five said. "Unless you don't want to?" 

"I _do_ want to," Vanya said. "Thank you so much." 

_Fuck yes!_ Five thought. _This is perfect! I'm a genius!_

And so, they stayed there like that for a long time. 


	3. The second arrow

_You don’t believe the sky is falling until a chunk of it falls on you._

_― Margaret Atwood_

"I ruined it, Vee," Ben said, miserably. "I killed 'exactly.' I murdered it. I fucked it up. And… I am not trying to be an alarmist… but we are doomed." 

"Whoa," Vanya said. "Slow down. What?" 

They were hanging out at Cat Castle. Just the two of them. 

An adorably fluffy Maine Coon had wedged itself between them, using Ben's left leg as a pillow and Vanya's right as a foot rest, or something. The cat- was it a boy or a girl?- seemed to smirk up at them like a little prince. 

Or a princess? 

"Pay attention," Ben said. "I know she's cute, but this is important." 

"Oh. So she _is_ a girl?" 

"Huh?" 

"Sorry," Vanya said. "I just, um, I didn't want to man handle her. I was too nervous to check." 

"Oh," Ben said. "I just assumed she was a girl. I didn't check either." 

"You didn't?" 

"Fuck," Ben said. "Klaus says it's another one of my problems, but… no, nevermind. He was just teasing me. I don't think he was actually scolding me." 

"Scolding you?" Vanya said. 

Ben shifted uncomfortably. "Nevermind." 

"I won't laugh," Vanya said. "Please, tell me?" 

Ben sighed. 

"I love you," Vanya said. "I support you and you can go ahead and tell me if I'm pushing too much, but I want to understand the way your brain works. So I can help you?" 

These were the words that finally made Ben smile. 

"Aw," Ben said. "Okay, so a while back Klaus noticed I always call cats girls. And I call dogs boys. He said, um, that I was perpetuating uh… gender prisons?" 

Vanya blinked. 

"But!" Ben said. "I realize now that he was joking. I mean, he wasn't joking, but he also _was_ joking." 

"That… sounds confusing." 

"Klaus is the most confusing guy in the family," Ben said. "Anyway, um… I know that I don't have to feel bad anymore. I'm not in trouble if I forget to check a cat's gender." 

Vanya chuckled nervously. "You thought you were in trouble?" 

"Oh!" Ben said. "That's the thing I figured out with Kashif. Um, so like… I was always expecting to be punished." 

"Okay," Vanya said. "Punished for what?" 

"I don't know," Ben said. "It was kind of irrational. The thing is, the more time went by… the worse it got?" 

"Alright?" Vanya said. "I'm still a little confused." 

"Damn," Ben said. "Okay, um, so when we were living with Dad things were really strict. There were a lot of rules." 

"Yes," Vanya said. 

"It was hard," Ben said. "But it was also easy. Because, when you broke a rule, you would immediately get punished, you know?" 

Vanya frowned. "I know." 

"The punishment wasn't fun," Ben said. "But at least it was easy to understand. Afterwards, I knew where I had messed up. And I could fix it." 

"Oh no," Vanya said. "You sound like-" 

"Wait," Ben said. "Let me finish."

Vanya nodded. 

"When I got to 2019," Ben said. "I was really frustrated. Because everything was too confusing." 

"I'm so sorry," Vanya said. "Confusion is the worst thing." 

"It's okay," Ben said. "Now we know what happened. Um, so I realized I wasn't going to get punished the way Dad used to punish us. But I thought I was still being punished _indirectly."_

"Huh?" 

"It was irrational," Ben said. "It was, uh, I think Kashif called it 'pattern recognition' but that my pattern was messing up." 

"Okay…" 

"Sorry," Ben said. "It's hard to explain." 

"It's okay," Vanya said. "I think I just need to think about it for a bit. I need to wrap my head around it." 

Ben sighed. 

"It's okay," Vanya repeated. "You know what I learned?" 

"What?" 

"That it's okay," Vanya said. "It's okay to take my time. It's okay if, um, if I get confused. And it's okay if I don't have the answer immediately." 

Ben covered his face with his hands. 

"What's wrong?" Vanya said. 

"I'm failing," Ben muttered. 

"No," Vanya said. "No, you aren't." 

"The Bechdel test, Vee. I'm failing the Bechdel test." 

Vanya tilted her head. "What?" 

"Ugh," Ben said. "I got too obsessed with Five." 

"Okay?" Vanya said. 

"I see it now," Ben said. "I was hurting him. I'm _hurting_ him, Vee." 

Vanya winced. 

"Aha!" Ben said. "You saw it too!" 

"I think," Vanya said. "that you and Five are both very confused. And you're both… a little scared." 

"I fucked it up, Vee." 

"Okay," Vanya said. "How?" 

"I ruined 'exactly' the other day," Ben said. "I was just testing something. Because I had a theory, but I wanted to check before I brought it up to you because I didn't want you to call me paranoid-" 

"I'm so sorry," Vanya said. "You aren't paranoid." 

"Shut up," Ben said. "You were right. I _am_ paranoid." 

"Oh no-" 

"Vanya!" Ben said. "I've doomed us!" 

"Okay," Vanya said. "Um, but how did you doom us?" 

"By ruining 'exactly' with my stupid test," Ben said. "Now Five thinks it's a reward word." 

Taking a deep breath, Vanya carefully said, "What… is a 'reward' word?" 

"Like 'good job' or something," Ben said. "Um, like a praise word?" 

"Oh," Vanya said. 

"So now," Ben said. "Now Five is lying because he's trying to praise me. Because he thinks I need praise." 

"Oh." 

"And it's _terrible,"_ Ben said. "Because now I can't tell if I'm understanding him or not!"

"Okay," Vanya said. "So… you were trying to prove to yourself that Five has been telling you what you want to hear." 

"Yes!" Ben said. "Because I thought you would tell me I was being irrational and that Five isn't a pathological liar-" 

"Wait," Vanya said. "That's… um, he really isn't pathological-" 

"Yes, he _is,"_ Ben said. "He lies all the time!" 

"Pause," Vanya said. 

Ben groaned. 

"Please," Vanya said. "Just hold on for a second." 

"Fine," Ben said. "Prove me wrong." 

"No," Vanya said. "It's not a competition." 

Ben rolled his eyes. 

"Anyway," Vanya said. "The thing with pathological liars is that they have an irrational impulse. They enjoy lying, but it doesn't matter what they lie about. They lie for no logical reason."

"Okay?" Ben said.

"Five is not a pathological liar," Vanya said. "You're right that he lies a lot. But he does it with a logical reason every single time." 

"To be nice," Ben said. "I _know."_

"I'm starting to realize," Vanya said. "that it's not just about being nice." 

"What do you mean?" 

"Okay so… Five used to be a really obvious liar. If you were trying to guess how he was feeling and you got it right…" 

"He would repeat the part you got right," Ben said. "And try to emphasize how wrong you were. Damn. I wish he was still doing that." 

There was more that she needed to say, but they were getting into dangerous territory now. 

"I might cry," Vanya said. "I'm trying really hard. Not to. But I might." 

Ben nodded. "Hugs?" 

"No, thank you," Vanya said. 

Ben nodded again. "Pause?" 

She nodded back. 

Ben smiled at her and looked down at the Maine Coon napping between them. 

"Do you think she… they… will leave if I try for some pets?" 

Vanya smirked. "I dare you to pet this cat." 

Ben chuckled. "Hell yeah." 

Living with Ben and Five was nerve wracking because of the super hearing problem. At first, it sent her tumbling down a guilt spiral. 

But Ben said, "Actually, I'm so relieved to know you can hear us." 

"You are?" 

_"Yes,"_ Ben said. "We need help! We're dying!" 

"Okay," Vanya said. "Um, but what does that have to do with accidentally eavesdropping?" 

"Look," Ben said. "I know it's wrong, but at the house I was obsessively eavesdropping on everyone." 

"Okay," Vanya said. "I'm not mad. I still love you. And I'm proud of you for recognizing your wrongdoing." 

"Thank you," Ben said. "The reason I did it is: I was paranoid." 

"Okay…" 

"I thought everyone was lying to me," Ben said. "They weren't. Um, not the way I thought they were. Not like that time Old Five ran to Canada." 

"I'm so sorry," Vanya said. 

"It wasn't your fault," Ben said. "Anyway, while I was eavesdropping, I noticed something." 

"What did you notice?" 

"There's this weird power dynamic," Ben said. "In Baby Five's head." 

Vanya tilted her head. "You're saying you discovered something that's unique to just the younger Five?" 

"It might not be just him," Ben said. "We still have to test it out on Old Five." 

"No," Vanya said. "No more testing. We're confusing him with our indirectness." 

"Sorry," Ben said. "I just mean, there isn't enough, um… evidence? To say. One way or the other." 

"Okay," Vanya said. "So for now, it's something with Baby Five." 

"Yes," Ben said. "Anyway, he's treating Luther and Diego like alpha dogs." 

"Ah," Vanya said. "Figures." 

"You too," Ben said. "You're an alpha dog." 

"I am?" Vanya chuckled. "Wow. He even told me, but I didn't believe him. Silly."

"Yeah, but he lies so I don't blame you," Ben said. "Anyway Klaus, Allison, and Mom have been put in the beta dog category." 

"Jeez," Vanya said. "He really does use stories to explain the world to himself." 

"He does," Ben said. "So yesterday, he admitted something to me. Um, he thinks I’m an omega." 

Vanya blinked. 

"It's not perverted!" Ben said. 

"Huh?" 

"Shit," Ben said. "Uh, so we had a misunderstanding while Diego was visiting us. Because, um, apparently there's a type of porn online that, um… anyway. That's not what Five is thinking." 

_I'll Google it later,_ Vanya thought. _Table it, table it._

"Okay wait," Vanya said. "We got off track." 

"We did?" 

"I wanted to know..." Vanya made sure to speak as calmly as possible. "why you… you said you _want_ me to eavesdrop?" 

"Yes!" Ben said. _"Please._ I need an _adult."_

"Okay?" 

"We need an alpha," Ben said. "I can't be an alpha."

"Um," Vanya said. "I thought we established that being an adult and being an alpha aren't the same thing?" 

"You're right," Ben said. "Because Five also thinks he's an alpha." 

"I know that," Vanya said. "So, um… I'm confused?" 

"Here's how it works," Ben said. "Five thinks he has to treat me like a baby puppy." 

"A baby puppy?" 

"Yes," Ben said, bottom lip trembling. "The _babiest."_

"Are you okay?" 

"No," Ben said. "But it's okay not to be okay." 

"You're right," Vanya said. "I realized that too. You know what else I realized?" 

Ben pressed his lips firmly together and nodded for her to go on. 

_He needs to know I'm flawed too,_ Vanya thought. _And that I'm working together with him, not against him._

"I realized," Vanya said. "that I was unstable. Then I realized: it is not wrong to medicate myself. It is not weakness." 

"Medicate?" 

"Yes," Vanya said. "I'm taking anxiety medication now. Every day. Every morning and evening." 

Ben blinked. "But I thought they delete your powers?" 

"They do," Vanya said. "But why the heck was I walking around with a bomb strapped to my back?" 

"Huh?" 

"We're in peacetime, Ben," Vanya said. "This. Is. Peacetime." 

"Oh," Ben said. "We, um, we're retired?" 

"Exactly!" 

Ben laughed. 

"So now I'm staying on the meds," Vanya said. "They aren’t the same prescription as the ones Dad had me on, by the way. You don't need to worry about that." 

"Thank god," Ben said. "He fucked you up with that shit." 

"He did," Vanya agreed. 

"Vee?" Ben said. "I also, um, I had an epiphany. About you and me." 

"Okay," Vanya said. 

"I was competing with you," Ben said. "I love you, but I was also starting to get secretly jealous all the time. And I was mean to you." 

"That's okay," Vanya said. "You and me? We're exactly the same. We were both doing it." 

"Really?" 

"Really," Vanya said. "I love you too, but I was also secretly jealous all the time. We've talked about this, but I'll say it again: you aren't a bad person when you get jealous." 

_"Thank you,"_ Ben said. "Oh my gawd." 

Vanya giggled. 

"Aw," Ben said. "Oh, wait, but… are you going to lose your super hearing?" 

Vanya grinned. "Not this time." 

"Fuck yes," Ben said. "Okay, okay. I figured out how to explain it." 

"Great." Another giggle slipped out and she covered her mouth to try and stifle it. 

"Aw," Ben said. "Five does that too." 

"Hmm?" 

"He gets embarrassed just like that," Ben said. "Like, he doesn't want to laugh too much." 

"Aw," Vanya said. "That's adorable." 

_"You're_ adorable." 

Vanya laughed. 

Ben was beaming at her like a little kid who'd just won the Nobel prize, so Vanya decided it wasn't wrong to let herself laugh too much. 

"I think it's Dad's fault," Ben said. "The laughing thing. But that's a whole other can of worms, so we're gonna table it." 

Vanya chuckled. "I hear you." 

"So Five has a hierarchy in his head," Ben said. "And he, like, he's trying really hard to be a good boy. He wants to behave the way he thinks he's supposed to. So he's trying to pamper me like a puppy."

"Oh," Vanya said. "That tracks." 

"The thing is," Ben said. "I'm also trying to be a good boy. And we accidentally fell down into this, like, this vicious cycle where we're trying to please each other?" 

"Right," Vanya said. "Yes, I noticed that." 

_"Thank you!"_

"Huh?" 

"Sorry." Ben cleared his throat. "Um, I like that you noticed it too. It means I'm not crazy." 

"Aw, Ben," Vanya said. "Is that why you want me to eavesdrop?" 

_"Yes."_

"Wow," Vanya said. "Okay, um, so… I don't think it's wrong to have that desire." 

"Good," Ben said. 

"However," Vanya said. "I think all three of us are getting a bit tangled up. We're getting confused." 

"Yeah," Ben said. "Because we're changing too quickly." 

"Right," Vanya said. "It's a good thing, but it accidentally created a second arrow." 

"A second arrow?" 

"Yes," Vanya said. "So… the first arrow is our trauma from Dad's abuse." 

"Okay?" Ben said.

"That trauma left us with negative associations, so we're getting triggered all the time." 

"I know," Ben said. "Sorry, I mean… go on." 

Vanya smiled. "It's okay. 'I know' is allowed. I see now that I was mistakenly interpreting it as dismissive." 

"Good job!" Ben said. 

Vanya grinned. "Thank you. Okay, so that's a perfect example of a second arrow." 

"Now you confused me," Ben said. 

"I was accidentally hurting you," Vanya said. "I was censoring you, because you were accidentally hurting _me._ We were both, um, we were being triggered by different things." 

"Oh," Ben said. "Like back when Diego got offended when Five used big words?" 

"Yeah!" Vanya said. "But now he knows why he was feeling that way. He knows that he was misinterpreting, so it doesn't bother him anymore." 

"Damn," Ben said. "We're solving puzzles all over the place."

"Fuck yeah," Vanya said. 

"Fuck yeah!" 

They both got a bit over-excited in that moment. They got a little too loud, or maybe they cussed a little too much, and so the other patrons at Cat Castle were starting to look offended. 

Nobody bothered then, or scolded them, or told them to leave, but something in the air had shifted. It was tense, suffocating… it was irrationally terrifying. 

"We're allowed to run away," Ben whispered. "Want to go home?" 

"Fuck yes," Vanya whispered. 

Maybe it wasn't a problem, but maybe it was. Five was still at the apartment when they got home. 

He never went out. 

When she tried to ask him about it, it had gotten confusing. She realized he was willing to leave the apartment for _her_ sake, but that he didn't actually want to. 

Five told everyone else to visit him whenever they wanted and assured Luther- who had gotten worried- that he wasn't mad at anyone. 

Basically: he wasn't avoiding anybody. But he didn't want to leave the new apartment. 

It was puzzling. 

Five was always pleased to see them, at least. As soon as they walked in he hovered around like a little kid waiting for Santa Claus. 

“Hey Five,” Ben said. “Something on your mind?” 

_“Yes,”_ Five said. “I solved it!” 

“Okay,” Vanya said. “What did you solve?” 

Puffing himself up proudly, Five said, “I’m Prince Zuko!” 

“Aw! Yes, you _are,”_ Ben cooed. “You’re totally Prince Zuko.” 

Five reacted to this affirmation as if it was a box full of candy. He giggled in delight. 

“Thank you for telling us,” Vanya said. “Um, he’s from that cartoon with the elemental superpowers, right?” 

Five beamed. “Exactly. And we’re in the last season.” 

Ben nodded eagerly. “Of course. You’ve redeemed yourself. Good job.”

“Heck yeah!” Five said. 

Vanya took a deep breath. Ben and Five had a bad habit of speaking in references, but she knew -now- that they weren’t doing it to purposely exclude her. 

Still: she hated feeling left out. 

“Why did you need to be redeemed in the first place?” Vanya said. 

Ben was quick to notice her discomfort, at least. He turned to her and said, “Zuko was obsessed with capturing the Avatar. He thought he had to do it to regain his honor.” 

“Exactly, exactly,” Five said. “But the honor was bad. Then, when he noticed, he fixed it. He fixed it, Vee.”

“Wait,” Vanya said. “Honor isn’t bad. Don’t, um, don’t get it mixed up.” 

Mom was the one who had finally pointed it out: Baby Five was literal minded. You had to be careful when teaching him right from wrong, or he would assume he was doing something wrong when he _wasn’t._

“I think I get what he’s saying,” Ben said. “It’s like the hero complex.” 

“Exactly!” Five said. “Good job!” 

Ben frowned. “Um… are you just saying that?” 

Five tilted his head. “Huh?” 

“Let’s stay calm,” Vanya said. “I have an idea. Why don’t we watch the cartoon together?” 

“Yes!” Five said. “Yes!” 

Five laughed, but then he covered his mouth with his hands and closed his eyes. He took a couple of deep breaths through his nose. 

_Wow,_ Vanya thought. _We’re going to have to examine that more closely later._

“You need time?” Ben said. 

Five opened his eyes. “Nope. I’m good, I’m great. Who wants ice cream?” 

_Shit,_ Vanya thought. _Is ice cream code for distress now? Or am I being paranoid?_

“I would love some ice cream,” Ben said. “Thank you, sir.” 

“Excellent,” Five said. “We have a plan. This is perfect, okay, so… can I call dibs on the middle spot? On the couch, I should say.” 

“Yes,” Vanya said. “Thank you _so_ much for telling us. For asking, I mean.”

“You deserve the middle spot,” Ben said. “You’ve been so nice, Five. Good job.” 

Five did an adorable little fist bump. It was wholesome. It was sweet and, for the first time, Vanya thought they were finally doing everything right. 

She should have known it wouldn’t last. 

In the middle of the night, Ben woke her up. 

“Code blue!” Ben shouted. “Code fucking blue! Goddammit! Five is missing!” 

Vanya groaned, and scrambled out of bed. As soon as she opened her door, Ben burst into the bedroom. 

“He’s not in here,” Ben said. “He was following the new schedule!”

“He isn’t here,” Vanya agreed. “But maybe he went to the old house?”

“That’s the thing,” Ben said. “I already texted everyone. Worse: Klaus said Old Five is missing too! I’m _not_ overreacting. I’m _not_ being paranoid. Five. Is. Missing. Both of them!” 

Vanya blinked. 

“Do you hear me?” Ben said. “I followed the rules! I was calm, I was- I double checked! I checked with absolutely everyone absolutely everywhere and- okay- I actually checked in here first. I picked the lock, I’m so sorry, but you were asleep and you were alone, so I-”

“Pause!” Vanya said. 

“No!” Ben said. “Code blue!” 

“Okay!” Vanya said. “Did you call Luther?” 

“Yes,” Ben said. “He woke everyone, they’re going to start a search, but- goddammit!” 

“Okay,” Vanya said. “I understand. Don’t worry.” 

“I _will_ worry!” Ben said. “They ran away again!” 

“No,” Vanya said. “We can’t assume the worst.” 

“Fuck off!” 

“That’s okay,” Vanya said. “I still love you.” 

“God fucking dammit,” Ben said. 

It was a mystery. Both Fives, as far as they could tell, went missing at exactly the same time. Both Fives, as far as they could tell, had no reason to want to run away.

“They were secretly hating us,” Ben said. “We fucked up, you guys. They’re punishing us, they-”

“No,” Luther said. “It might be the Apocalypse Glitch.” 

“I would rather let them hate us,” Allison said. “If they’re trapped in the Apocalypse, fuck, that is _so_ much worse.” 

Vanya was keeping a close eye on Klaus. He was sitting in a blanket burrito with his eyes closed. Diego was on one side and Mom on the other. They were both carefully rubbing his back and petting him. 

“We can’t assume the worst,” Vanya murmured. “Didn’t we say that? There might be a reasonable explanation.” 

“Maybe he got confused,” Diego said. “Five is always getting confused.” 

“Both of them?” Allison said. “At the same fucking time?” 

“It’s unlikely,” Mom said. “However, they might have coordinated.” 

“Coordinated?” Luther said. “What do you mean?” 

“They started talking,” Klaus muttered. “On the phone.” 

“Fuck!” Ben said. “Paradox Psychosis!” 

“Wait,” Vanya said. “You’re saying Old Five and Baby Five were calling each other? When?” 

“They drove themselves crazy!” Ben said. “They infected each other with paranoia!” 

“Ben, look at me,” Allison said. “I think you noticed that _you’re_ the one feeling paranoid. But now that you know, you’re feeling calmer.” 

Vanya watched Ben closely and caught the way his eyes turned white for a second. 

Allison had changed her ‘Rumor’ key phrase. Or maybe she didn’t need a key phrase anymore?

 _Ugh,_ Vanya thought. _And now we never get a warning._

“Ben?” Vanya said. 

Ben was taking deep breaths. “Sorry. I was yelling. Sorry.” 

“It’s okay,” Allison said. “You have nothing to be ashamed of.” 

“Wait a minute,” Luther said. “Vee, you didn’t know Baby Five was calling people?” 

Vanya shook her head, frowning. 

“I never saw him on the phone either,” Ben said. “Was he doing it a lot?” 

“Yeah,” Diego said. “But he’s not like Old Five. It was random.” 

“Five is particular,” Grace said. “Sometimes, he likes being alone in a room. Physically alone. So that he can… decompress. But he also wants to have something to focus on. He began using the phone calls as, um, as a project?” 

“That’s one theory,” Luther said. “He told me he was trying to stay organized.”

“But there wasn’t a schedule,” Diego said. “He would call randomly.” 

“It wasn’t random,” Luther said. “He waited until he was alone. Whenever he was alone in the apartment.” 

“Oh,” Vanya said. 

“But I didn’t realize it was a secret,” Luther said. “I’m sorry? Maybe I should have brought it up with, uh, with someone… did I mess up?” 

“Pause!” Ben said. “Why would he keep it a secret?” 

“They were nervous,” Klaus said. “Both of them.” 

“They were secretly hating us!” Ben said. 

“I think you’re feeling calmer, Ben,” Allison said. “You’re also feeling sleepy.” 

Ben’s eyes clouded over again and then he was blinking at them. He looked a little dazed. 

“Don’t over do it,” Vanya muttered. 

Allison didn't acknowledge this reprimand. She kept her eyes on Ben.

“I’m the one that messed up,” Klaus said, bitterly. “It was me. It’s my fault.” 

“No, honey,” Mom said. “You can’t think that way.” 

“I agree with Mom,” Allison said. “But maybe moving them out of their homes was frustrating, hmm? We know they’re both very-” 

_“Fuck you,”_ Vanya hissed. “You don’t get to blame us just because you’re feeling guilty.” 

“I’m not feeling guilty,” Allison said, primly. “You were wrong. I didn’t do anything wrong and my therapist agrees with me.” 

Vanya groaned. 

“Stop it,” Diego said. “Throwing blame around is stupid.” 

“I agree,” Luther said. “Plus, Old Five told me he loves living with you, Klaus.”

“He was _lying,”_ Klaus said. “He’s always lying.” 

“No,” Diego said. “Bro, he loves you. You’re basically his favorite.”

Then Diego winced, and glanced at Ben.

Ben covered his face with his hands. 

“Don’t hide your face,” Allison said. “Ben, you-”

“Don’t you dare Rumor him again,” Vanya said. “It _is_ wrong. You already fucked up Old Five’s head with that bullshit!” 

Allison huffed and avoided eye contact. 

“What?” Diego said. “What are you talking about?” 

“Let’s stay on track,” Luther said. 

“Fuck you,” Diego said. “What the _fuck_ happened in July? Why did you guys take Old Five away from Allison?” 

“Shut up!” Allison said. “Just shut up for a minute. Actually... I’m… I’m going for a walk.” 

“That’s okay,” Mom said. “Go right ahead.”

“Don’t run from this,” Vanya said. “You’re in denial, Allison.” 

“Fuck off,” Allison said. “Let me process.” 

She stomped out of the room. 

“Somebody better start explaining,” Diego said. “Or I’m going to lose my fucking mind.” 

Vanya shrugged and said, “She was constantly Rumoring him.” 

“What the fuck,” Diego said. “Why didn’t anyone tell me?”

Vanya frowned at Luther pointedly, then shrugged again. 

“He hates us,” Ben muttered. “He hates us all, he hates our guts, we’ll never see either of them ever again-”

“Mom,” Klaus said. “Ben needs comfort.” 

“No!” Ben said. “I don’t deserve comfort!” 

Mom sighed. 

“Okay,” Luther said. “I think we should pause this meeting. We need a break.” 

“Great idea,” Diego said. “Vee, let’s have our own meeting.” 

“Fuck yes,” Vanya said. 

“Wait,” Klaus said. “You can’t-”

“I’m sorry,” Diego said. “But the rest of you can’t handle this. I’m taking charge.” 

“Fine,” Luther said. “Go ahead.” 

“Wait,” Vanya said. “Who else are we inviting?” 

“Don’t invite me,” Ben said. “I’m a _baby_ and I have to stay home and wait for everything to be fixed without me!” 

“Please, don’t be like that,” Mom said. “We love you and we-”

“You know what?” Klaus said. “I will happily bench myself. I vote myself out. I can't with this.” 

“When we need you, we’ll get you,” Diego said. “Don't get offended. It's just that, um, right now... you, uh, your skills aren’t needed?” 

Klaus rolled his eyes. 

“Whose skills do you need?” Vanya said. 

“Just you,” Diego said. “Just me and you, Vee.” 

“What?” Luther said. “But I’m willing to follow orders. I’ll let you be in charge.” 

“Okay,” Diego said. “Um, thanks, but I think this is a two man… uh, two person mission.” 

“Because there are two Fives?” Mom said. “Are you going to use the briefcases?” 

Vanya blinked.

“Wow,” Diego said. “Mom you, uh, you read my mind.” 

“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard,” Klaus said. “You’re going to fucking double them _again?”_

“Huh?” Luther said. “What are you talking about?” 

Diego squinted at Klaus. “Um, yeah… what _are_ you talking about?”

“The Bootstrap Paradox!” Ben shrieked. “You’re a bunch of morons!” 

He stood and swept his arm around the room accusingly. “I’m the only one who understands them! Me! The rest of you aren’t smart enough!” 

“Wait,” Vanya said. “Don’t panic-”

“Fuck off!” Ben screamed. “Fuck all of you! I hate everyone!” 

Vanya could see a faint blue spark around Ben’s midriff, but he quickly wrapped his arms around his stomach and ran out of the room. 

Then, she could hear the moment the Horror slipped out. She could hear all the things that broke. Shattering glass, splintering wood, and Ben himself. He was screaming. The Horror was screaming with him. 

They all stared at each other and waited. Holding their breaths until, rather quickly, the distinctive shrieking of the Horror cut itself off. 

“Code blue,” Klaus said, sadly. 

“It’s okay,” Luther said. “I think it’s probably a good thing. He really needed to let that out.” 

Now Ben was cursing colorfully. He also… hmm… it sounded like he was running. 

“Fuck!” Diego said. “Fucking shit, I'm such a goddamn asshole, I'm the one that-" 

“It’s okay,” Mom said. “We’re all okay. We’re going to be just fine. As soon as we get to the bottom of this-”

“Mother,” Vanya said. “I love you so much it hurts, but please stop. You’re upsetting me.” 

Mom stared at her and Vanya closed her eyes. She focused her energy on listening to Ben: he was getting farther away. A door was slammed open. 

He was leaving the house. Fuck.

“Thank you for telling me,” Mom said. "Vanya? Vee? Please, open your eyes." 

Vanya did as she was told, sighing. 

“Klaus?” Diego said. “You know what Ben was talking about? Some paradox?” 

“The Bootstrap Paradox,” Klaus said. 

“Five explained it to you too?” Vanya said. 

“Yeah,” Klaus said. “We’ve been having a lot of, um, existential conversations. He really opened up.” 

Then Klaus curled in on himself, pressing his face against his knees. 

_“Fuck,”_ Klaus said, emphatically. 

“It’s okay,” Luther said. “You don’t have to be embarrassed.” 

“Here’s what we’re going to do,” Diego said. “Vee, I need to talk to you.” 

“Wait,” Luther said. “Can we-”

“Stop it, Luther,” Vanya said. “I’m with Diego. We’ll go back to before they disappeared, right? We can save them if we-” 

“The Bootstrap Paradox!” Klaus sobbed. “You’ll make it worse!” 

“It’s okay,” Vanya said. “We won’t move them from their timeline. We’ll just, um, we’ll make a small change and then leave them where and when they’re supposed to be.”

“Damn,” Diego said. “You lost me.” 

“I’ll explain,” Vanya said. “Let’s plan this out.” 

“Let me help,” Luther said. “With the planning, at least. Klaus too. He seems to know what he’s talking about.” 

“No,” Klaus moaned. “I’m useless. Useless!” 

“You aren’t useless,” Vanya said. “I think you’re really smart and maybe you understood the Bootstrap Paradox better than I did. I’m still a little confused about it, but I didn’t want to admit it.” 

“Oh my gawd,” Klaus said. _“Thank you.”_

“Your feelings are valid, honey,” Mom said. “I’m very sorry. I didn’t have the correct words.” 

“I hate language,” Klaus said. “I hate everything. Oh my god, the world is ugly.” 

“I concur,” Mom said. 

Luther frowned. “So, um… we _aren’t_ pausing the family meeting?” 

“Fuck no,” Diego said. “Now someone, anyone, explain this paradox bullshit to me before I blow my brains out.” 

“A colorful way of expressing your frustration,” Mom said. “I hope Vanya didn’t find it upsetting. I mean _Vee_ didn't… crap.” 

“I’m okay, Mom,” Vanya said. “I’m sorry for snapping at you.” 

“Don’t worry,” Mom said. “I wasn’t offended. Just disappointed in myself.” 

“Oh, Mom,” Vanya said. “I’m _so_ sorry.” 

“I love you,” Mom said. “Don’t be sorry.” 

“I love you more,” Vanya said. 

“Fuck!” Diego said. “I’m going to fucking cry.” 

“You don’t have to feel ashamed,” Luther said. “I’m probably going to cry too.” 

“You know what?” Klaus said. “We _do_ need a break. Can we pause and get some fucking ice cream before we start planning a time travel heist?” 

_“Yes,”_ Vanya said.

“Fine,” Diego said. “Fuck.” 

"I'm so sorry," Vanya said. "But, um, I think it's true that Baby Five respects Diego the most." 

Luther sighed. 

"It's not a competition," Diego said, smirking. 

"And Old Man Five respects Klaus the most," Ben said, mechanically. 

"I'm uncle Klaus," Klaus said. "But Ben, you're… um, you're nephew Ben?" 

"Shut up," Ben said. 

"Anyway," Klaus said. "I can't go cause I'd run into myself. But don't ya worry, Vee, I know for a fact past me will roll with the punches." 

"That is a sad idiom," Mom said. "It makes me feel… schadenfreude." 

Klaus laughed so explosively, he nearly choked and Mom lightly patted him on the back when his laughter turned into violent coughing. 

"Whoopsie daisy," Mom said. "Did I offend you, dear?" 

Vanya winced. "Mom, I hope you aren't always worrying about offending us?" 

Mom blinked. 

"We love you, Mom," Luther said, quickly. "Don't feel guilty." 

Klaus cleared his throat. "Also, you don't have to answer Vee's question." 

"Um," Mom said. "I would like to answer, but I am afraid it is a lose, lose question." 

"I'm _so_ sorry," Vanya said. "It's my fault. Fuck, I mean, but don't worry about making me feel guilty?" 

Mom frowned. "I, um, I think I would like to take a walk? Or a nap. Oh my." 

"Hell yeah," Klaus said. "You go right ahead, Mom." 

Mom chuckled. "Thank you, honey." 

She smiled politely and walked out of the room at a slow and careful pace. It looked a bit robotic, but Vanya knew now that, actually, moments like this were proof that Mom was the _opposite_ of robotic. 

When Mom was gone, Vanya said, "I'm so sorry." 

"Who are you apologizing too?" Luther said. 

For a while, he had gotten too quiet. Vanya knew, now, that Luther was quiet when he was terrified. She smiled at him, glad that he was speaking a little, at least. 

"To you," Vanya said. "To everyone. To me." 

"Dammit," Ben said. "Don't make me cry!" 

"S'okay," Diego said. "Real men cry." 

"Hell yeah," Klaus said. 

The plan was simple. They would go back to the week before the Fives disappeared and they would talk to them, guard them, and try to find out what had happened. 

Did they run away? 

Did they get stuck in the Apocalypse? 

Did they get kidnapped? 

It was time to find out. Diego was in charge of Baby Five and he would spend the week in the new apartment. He would tell Baby Five to text the Diego doppelganger, explain the situation, and inform said doppelganger that he was not allowed anywhere near them. 

Vanya herself was in charge of Old Five, so she would spend the week with him and Klaus in their Cleveland apartment. She wouldn't need to worry about her doppelganger at all, since they would be in New York. 

It was a plan. A hopeful and shaky plan, but better than nothing. 

What they didn't realize, at the time, was that the Fates were frowning at them. 

And that everything they had ever done to try and help Five had been worse than useless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic was originally going to be three chapters, but then I realized Old Man Five deserves a POV chapter, so I'm going to give him one 😁
> 
> Also: Everyone WILL be okay, but this mystery is going to be very very frustrating and I am sorry, but that's how it has to be. This fic is /supposed/ to be confusing and frustrating. 
> 
> Because the world is ugly. 😩


	4. Yes Daddy

_Self sacrifice? But it is precisely the self that cannot and must not be sacrificed._

_― Ayn Rand_

Living with Klaus was delightful. Not only was he a charming man, but he was an _easy_ man. Like the good doctor, Five knew he could speak freely if he was alone with Klaus. 

The only irritation was, well, what the hell were they doing in _Cleveland Ohio?_

"Vee likes how easy it is to visit you now," Klaus said. "You're just a hop, skip, and a jump away." 

"Why is Vanya dictating my life?" Five said. "Or yours? Or any of ours?" 

Klaus shrugged. "She's the alpha now." 

"I don't mean to be petulant," Five said. "But it irritates me that she put up such a fuss about therapy, only to… you know." 

"To yank you away from the doctor you liked," Klaus said. "I know, buddy. I'm so sorry. But hey! The world is your oyster and I'm not your jailer." 

"And what about you?" Five said. "Don't your boyfriends miss you?" 

"Okay, no," Klaus said. "They aren't boyfriends. We've talked about this." 

"Yes, yes," Five said. "I understand that you call yourself 'solo poly' now, but they still qualify as boyfriends." 

"One of them is a girl," Klaus said. "But any-who. They can visit me." 

Five wrinkled his nose. 

"I'll get a hotel," Klaus said. "I won't bring them in here." 

"Thank you," Five said. "I don't mean to shame you-" 

"No shame at all," Klaus said. "I get you." 

Five nodded. "Thank you." 

"Are you worried?" Klaus said. 

"No," Five said. "I believe you when you say you feel no shame." 

"Oh," Klaus said. "Thanks, but I meant… like, are you worried in general?" 

Five tilted his head. "Generalities are too large, Klaus." 

"Sorry," Klaus said. "I'll be specific with my guess. Are you worried about Allison?" 

"Of course not," Five said. "She's a big girl." 

"A'course she is," Klaus said. "But she's also a sad girl. It's okay to be worried." 

Five sighed. 

"Also," Klaus said. "Vee isn't the boss of you. If you miss Allison, you can go back." 

"It's fine," Five said. "She'll be fine." 

"What about you?" Klaus said. 

Five squinted at him. "I… am not favoring Allison over you." 

"No," Klaus said. "I'm not being like that." 

"Sure," Five said. 

Klaus sighed. 

"I understand you," Five said. "All of you. You were neglected as children." 

"It's no excuse," Klaus muttered. "We fucked up." 

"No," Five said. "You-" 

"Any-who," Klaus said. "Wanna build a snowman?" 

Five chuckled. "I'd love to." 

Initially, Baby Five and Diego were synonymous. Both boys were as jaded and angsty as Linkin Park's lead vocalist. 

Thus, they were atrocious conversationalists. Especially with strangers. 

But the key was in the pattern. Once you unlocked a jaded man's secret code, you would easily win his heart. 

So now, Baby Five called with more frequency. 

"I'm so sorry, sir," Baby said. "I hope I haven't interrupted your schedule, but I don't know how much time I have!" 

"Not to worry, son," Five said. "What seems to be the problem?" 

"I've been infected," Baby said. 

"I see," Five said. "Symptoms?" 

"Hysterical laughter," Baby said. "I think I broke myself, sir, but I can't seem to pinpoint the how or the why." 

"I see," Five said. "We'll get to the bottom of this." 

"Thank you, sir." 

"Firstly," Five said. "I need context." 

"I was doing my job, sir," Baby said. "Everything was going well. I was happy, I swear I was." 

"That's good, my boy," Five said. "Why, then, is laughter a bad thing?" 

"Pardon?" 

"I'm going to give you a word," Five said. 

"Understood," Baby said. 

"Schadenfreude," Five said. 

"Um… I guess?" Baby said. "I mean, it works." 

"No," Five said. "Give me a synonym." 

"That would be redundant," Baby said. 

"It's allowed, remember?" Five said. "You won't be scolded." 

"I suppose I'm a hypocrite," Baby said. "I'm sorry, sir." 

"Don't be sorry," Five said. "Why are you a hypocrite?" 

"I simply had a moment of déjà vu," Baby said. "Pardon the slip, I didn't mean to confuse you." 

"Nor did I intend to scold you for confusion," Five said. "I won't be offended by it, sir. Nor will I feel ashamed… or, heaven forbid, doubt my own intelligence. I know I'm a genius and I am an immovable rock in this certainty." 

"Thank fucking Christ," Baby said. "I'm sorry I doubted your self confidence for even a second. It became a new habit?" 

"I understand," Five said. "Now: would you do me a favor?" 

"Of course, sir." 

"Walk me back through your logic," Five said. "Firstly, why are you a hypocrite?" 

"Easy," Baby said. "I told Ben the same thing. About redundancies being allowed." 

"Aha," Five said. 

"I suppose," Baby said. "I didn't initially realize this amendment should also be applied to myself." 

"And why shouldn't it be?" Five said. 

"I'm an alpha, sir," Baby said. "Um, something of a top dog?" 

"You don't need to explain that one," Five said. "Klaus beat you to the punch." 

"Thank god," Baby said. "Aha! You know what I just noticed?" 

"Tell me," Five said. 

"You see," Baby said. "I enjoy it when my interlocutor understands my meaning." 

"As you should," Five said. "I feel the same." 

"However," Baby said. "When _you_ understand my meaning, I'm not infected with hysterical laughter." 

"I see," Five said. "Then, tell me, who was accidentally infecting you?" 

"Mostly Ben," Baby said. "Va-Vee too, occasionally. But mostly Ben. He under- f-fuck." 

"That's alright," Five said. "Say what you need to say." 

"No sir," Baby said. "I'm not allowed to say it." 

"I see," Five said. "Why not?" 

There was a pause. 

"May I ask a question?" 

"Yes," Baby said. 

"Two words," Five said. "Super hearing?" 

"Yes!" Baby said. "Yessir, that is exactly the reason. See, I enjoy knowing that she can hear the discoveries I'm making with Ben, but on the phone… see, sir, she told me she was going out. And I checked. I triple checked. That she was not home, b-but I…" 

"Take your time," Five said. 

"Terribly sorry," Baby said. "I see now that my anxiety is irrational." 

"Good job," Five said. "That being said… what aren't you allowed to say?" 

"I'm not allowed to say," Baby said. "that Ben understands me better than Vee." 

Five groaned. 

"Sir?" 

"I understand," Five said. "I'm _so_ sorry." 

"Why are you sorry?" Baby said. 

"Tell me something," Five said. "Are you afraid for Vanya?" 

"I don't mean to be disrespectful," Baby said. "But we're not allowed to call her Vanya." 

"Fuck that," Five said. "I will call her Vanya until she sorts herself out. When she is finished I will amend her name." 

"Finished with what?" Baby said. 

"Don't call me a transphobe," Five said. 

"That's not what I said," Baby said. "Now I see it. Sir, you got a little mixed up." 

"I did?" 

"Yes," Baby said. "But don't you worry. I made the same mistake." 

"Oh," Five said. "Elaborate?" 

"I mistook her for transgender," Baby said. "But Vee assures me she is, in fact, cisgender." 

"No, my boy," Five said. "There is a third category. It's transitional. Between the two." 

"Transitional?" Baby said. "Oh… you mean the period when an individual first begins to inject hormones into their bodies?" 

"Yes and no," Five said. 

"I'm confused," Baby said. 

"That's okay," Five said. "I still love you." 

"Th-thank you, sir," Baby said. 

"So look," Five said. "Vanya is not injecting any hormones, correct?" 

"Not as far as I can tell," Baby said. "I think she would have told us?" 

"I hope she would have," Five said. "But there's also the closet to consider." 

"Ugh," Baby said. "I hate the closet." 

"As you should," Five said. "Regardless, are you familiar with 'non binary' as a term? Because it's the third option." 

"Okay," Baby said. "I'm going to repeat you, sir." 

"You're allowed," Five said. 

"So the first option is an individual who is transitioning with hormones, but is not yet finished with their journey." 

"Yes," Five said. 

"The second option is the closet," Baby said. 

"Excellent," Five said. 

"The third option is the allusive non binary," Baby said. "The people who call themselves a hive mind?"

"Close," Five said. "They use plural pronouns, but they aren't a hive mind. And some of them use singular pronouns, but they jump back and forth at their whim." 

"It sounds needlessly confusing, sir," Baby said. "F-fuck! I'm _so_ sorry." 

"Don't be sorry," Five said. "I don't blame you for your confusion." 

"I would like to give these people empathy," Baby said. "I'm not trying to rape them." 

"Oh my," Five said. "We've found another mix up." 

"We have?" Baby said. 

"Yes sir," Five said. "But I will untangle it for you." 

"Thank you!" Baby said. "You're Ironman." 

Five chuckled. "Excuse you, sir. Allison is Ironman." 

"No," Baby said. "Allison is Batman." 

Five giggled. 

"Prove me wrong," Baby said. 

_"Diego_ is Batman," Five said. "And Luther is Spiderman." 

"No," Baby said. "Klaus is Spiderman. I don't mean to be rude, but you got the hierarchy mixed up again." 

"Wow," Five said. "You really think Klaus is Spiderman?" 

"Of course," Baby said. "Shouldn't he be?" 

"Tell me," Five said. "Where did you sort Ben?" 

"Easy," Baby said. "He's also Spiderman. But he's Miles Morales because he's younger."

"That tracks," Five said. 

"Back up," Baby said. "Where did _you_ put Ben? You said you gave Spiderman to Luther." 

"Star-lord," Five said. 

"I'm unfamiliar," Baby said. 

"Guardians of the Galaxy, you know?" Five said. 

"Oh!" Baby said. "Peter Quill?" 

"Very good, sir," Five said. "Now tell me. Where did you put Vanya?" 

There was a muffled sound. Perhaps the boy had dropped the phone. 

Baby Five was so easily startled, these days. 

Five looked at his phone to see if the call was still ongoing. It was. 

_How queer,_ Five thought. 

He put the phone on speaker and stared at it intently. 

"Son?" Five said. "Are you there?" 

Then the call ended. 

A few minutes later, Five received a text: _I'm so sorry sir. Someone has arrived!_

Five replied: _I understand. You haven't offended me._

_Thank you, sir!!!_

_This is alarming behavior,_ Five thought. _I need to find another jolly doctor posthaste._

Maybe he would have. But then Vanya decided to pay an impromptu visit. With this visit, a larger problem presented itself. 

He preferred to plan things out ahead of time, but Five was learning to be more adaptable. Anyone and everyone was allowed an impromptu visit. 

It didn't have to be an emergency. 

However, if it _was_ an emergency, it stood to reason someone should _inform_ him. 

But _noooo._ Instead, Vanya and Klaus were conspiring like naughty children. 

"This won't do!" Five announced, when he caught them. "I demand transparency or I will flee to Canada." 

"Please don't say that," Vanya said. "It's emotional blackmail." 

"Yes," Five said. "It _is._ And you deserve it." 

Klaus sighed. "You're right." 

Vanya stomped her foot. "No! No one deserves it!" 

Luckily, she had medicated herself. With this medication, Five had unearthed a newfound confidence with his speech. 

"Agree to disagree, darling," Five said. 

"Ugh," Vanya said. "Fuck off." 

Five chuckled.

"Look," Klaus said. "We love you. Ugh. I mean _I_ love you." 

"No," Vanya said. "We love you is allowed." 

Klaus groaned. 

"Make up your fucking mind," Five said. 

Vanya blinked. "Huh?" 

"Sorry," Klaus said. "Just… fuck." 

"Too many amendments," Five said. "You've short circuited us, woman." 

Vanya tilted her head. 

"Do you hear me?" Five said. 

"I think so?" Vanya said. "I stressed you out?" 

"And don't you dare," Five said. "come at me with that 'you're not a computer' nonsense!" 

"Okay," Vanya said. "I won't." 

"I _am_ a computer!" Five said. 

"Fuck yes," Klaus said. "Me too. I'm a robot and that's a compliment." 

"I'm so sorry," Vanya said. "I shouldn't have policed your language like that. I recognize it now." 

"Thank fucking Christ," Five said. "I was about to blow my fucking brains out." 

Vanya flinched. 

Five rewinded. 

"Thank you," Five said. "I'm proud of you for acknowledging your mistake." 

Vanya smiled. 

"Maaaan," Klaus said. "I just… I can't with this. Permission to grovel?" 

"Granted," Five said. 

Klaus happily bowed like a Japanese business man and said, "It was wrong to conspire behind your back, sir! Please forgive me." 

"Good," Five said. "Forgiven." 

"Goddammit," Vanya said. "Why do you guys act like this?" 

Klaus straightened. "Shut up. It's harmless." 

"No," Vanya said. "I'm starting to think-" 

"Shove your fucking thoughts up your pie trap," Five said. 

Vanya winced. 

Five rewinded. 

"I changed my mind," Five said. "You're allowed to conspire. I can't with this." 

"Huh?" Vanya said. "But-" 

"No, no," Five said. "Who am I to police this household? I'm Number Eight, after all." 

"Don't say that!" Vanya shouted. 

Five rewinded. 

"You're the alpha," Five said. "So go ahead and plan my life as you see fit, _mother."_

"I'm not your mother!" 

Five rewinded. 

"I've decided to quarantine myself," Five said. 

Vanya put her hands over her mouth and stared at him. 

"Goddammit," Five said. "You don't have to cry over it." 

She closed her eyes and shook her head. 

"It's not a bad thing," Five said. "Just a pause. Oh! I should have called it a pause." 

"Sir," Klaus said. "Respectfully: don't you dare rewind again." 

"Heard," Five said. 

"I didn't mean to hurt you," Vanya murmured. 

"What?" Five said. "Oh. I understand. You had a mix up." 

"Hell yes," Klaus said. "Please explain our mix up, _sir!"_

Vanya frowned at Klaus, but Five decided he was allowed to ignore her disapproval. 

Five puffed himself up proudly and said, "Honey, you misinterpreted my code blue. I see it now. Ben made the same mistake." 

"Okay," Vanya said. "How do you want to interpret your code blue?" 

"It's the inverse," Five said. "I understand that you and Ben glow blue when you are emotionally abused, but-" 

"Pause!" Vanya said. "No, Five!" 

"No?" Five said. 

"We don't glow blue in response to abuse!" Vanya said. "You mixed it up!" 

Five frowned. "I think you're mixed up, sweetie. It's alright. It's not your fault and I still love you." 

"Oh my god," Klaus said. "Sir, I don't mean to be an alarmist… but I am alarmed." 

"Don't worry, my boy," Five said. "We're going to get to the bottom of this. It's important not to panic, but you're allowed to be, um, to not feel calm." 

"I. Am. Terrified," Vanya said. "Five, are you okay?" 

"Of course," Five said. "Listen, I've changed my mind. I won't quarantine myself. Does that help?" 

"No," Klaus said. "You're allowed to quarantine yourself whenever you need to. Please, don't force yourself." 

"I agree," Vanya said. "How much time would you like? We'll pause and reconvene." 

"Nonsense," Five said. "I think you misinterpreted the quarantine as well." 

"Nope," Klaus said. "I don't think we did. Sir." 

"This… um, this is not a demand," Vanya said. "But is it possible to drop the sirs? They freak me out." 

"Understood," Five said. "Code Diego." 

"Ugh," Klaus said. 

"Excuse me?" Vanya said. 

"Hmm," Five said. "Klaus, I need your input." 

"Fuck yes," Klaus said. "Please ask." 

Vanya groaned. 

"Do you think it would be wrong for me to delete Code Diego?" 

Luckily, Klaus knew what this meant. They had developed a code for describing the rewinds. Depending on the person, it was self censorship, or deletion. 

Normally, Vanya was someone Five would have said "self censorship" in front of, but he was learning to loosen his tongue. 

Code blue was still harmful to Vanya's mental health, of course, but it was no longer painful for the room at large. 

"Yes," Klaus said. "It's unnecessary. Please don't delete it. I'm willing to explain on your behalf." 

"Thank you," Five said. "Please do so, y-your… our sister is confused." 

"Wait," Vanya said. "The stuttering. Is it a sign of distress?" 

_Fuck!_

"N-no," Five said. 

Five rewinded. 

"No," Five said. 

"That's okay," Klaus said. "You don't have to answer that." 

"I did answer," Five said. 

"I'm so sorry," Vanya said. 

"Don't you dare apologize to me again, young lady," Five said. "I can't with that." 

"Understood," Vanya said. "Um, I take back my apology." 

"Thank you," Five said. 

Vanya sighed. "Don't thank me." 

Five laughed. 

It was an explosive laugh, but he did not try to stifle it. 

Better to ride schadenfreude out, when it struck. Enjoy it, even.

Because why the hell not? 

"Permission to hug you," Klaus said. 

"Fuck yes," Five choked out. 

Klaus did so. 

And it was wonderful. 

But one had to be careful with these things. Especially with Vanya in the room. 

Five allowed the hug to carry on for exactly twenty seconds, then teleported slightly to the left and cleared his throat. 

"Apologies," Five said. 

"No worries," Klaus said. "Thank you, sir." 

Vanya had closed her eyes. She was taking deep breaths. 

"Atta girl," Five said. "Build your ego strength." 

Vanya chuckled and opened her eyes. 

"Thank you," Vanya said. "Okay… I need to say something." 

"Don't be scared," Five said. "I see now that I was being pernicious. I recognize it and would like to sincerely apologize." 

Vanya closed her eyes again. 

"Fuck," Five said. "Klaus?" 

"Don't delete this," Klaus said. "For the love of god. I am begging you. Don't you dare delete this or I will forever hate myself!" 

"You won't hate yourself," Five said. "You won't remember." 

"I won't know what was deleted," Klaus said. "But past Klaus will see you glowing. And he'll know he fucked up and he'll want to kill himself!" 

_"Fuck,"_ Five said. "Why did you wait this long to tell me?!" 

Klaus laughed. 

It was as explosive as a code blue, but now Klaus had trapped them all between a rock and a hard place. 

"God fucking dammit," Five said. "If this is a trick to train my behavior I swear to God-" 

"It's not a trick!" Klaus said. "I'm having suicidal thoughts! I am honestly and sincerely asking for your assistance, sir!" 

"I'm so sorry, son," Five said. "I didn't mean to hurt you-" 

"STOP IT!" Vanya screamed. "This bullshit is exactly why they hate us!" 

"Shut up, Vanya!" Klaus said. "It's _your_ fault!" 

"Fuck you!" Vanya said. "You're just like Allison!" 

"PAUSE!" Five shrieked. 

They froze. 

"Do. Not. Panic," Five said. "Th-this… this is obviously another humongous misunderstanding. We'll get to the bottom of this-" 

Vanya winced. 

"Fuck!" Five said. "Amendment!" 

"Yessir!" Klaus said. "Please!" 

Five spoke quickly. Desperately. "I am no longer able to deal with two people at a time. From now on: only one sibling at a time!" 

"Reasonable, sir!" Klaus said. "I will coordinate with the others accordingly, sir!" 

_"No,"_ Vanya said. "We can't enable another unhealthy coping mechanism!" 

"Fuck off!" Klaus said. "Get the fuck out of my apartment, bitch!" 

"P-please be… be nice to…" 

As was occasionally the case, Five was having difficulty breathing. 

Apparently, he had been infected with random panic attacks, which would burst forth with no rhyme or reason. 

Luckily, Vanya and Klaus were both familiar with the illness and would not accidentally make it worse. 

They silenced themselves and carefully sat down on the floor. They also each held exactly one hand up in the air, palm up. 

Five sat himself down like a Buddhist and took their hands. He found their pulses and closed his eyes. 

He took deep breaths. 

Then, eventually, he regained his breathing.

When he was fully recovered, Five said, "I apologize. Permission to nap?" 

"Granted," Klaus said. "Godspeed." 

There was a queer woman.

She approached him not long after the move to Cleveland. 

At first, she seemed like a rude little thing. It was common sense, after all, that you do not begin a conversation with strangers while standing in line at a café. 

Yet she broke this taboo and called out to him by name.

"Number Five, sir," the woman said. "It's a pleasure to see you again." 

Five squinted at her. "When have we met?" 

"I don't blame your forgetfulness," the woman said. "My name is Sosie." 

"I see," Five said. "However, I don't care." 

"Oh. Um, right, but… sir, may I offer you a business proposal?" 

Five pursed his lips. 

"I understand that your time is valuable," Sosie said. "I'll be brief." 

"I'm listening," Five said. 

"I am a time traveler, sir," Sosie said. "Not like you though. My travel is not a natural ability. I use a device." 

She pointed at her watch. 

Five tilted his head. "Are you pulling my leg?" 

"Not at all, sir," Sosie said. "But I understand your skepticism, so allow me to make a prediction." 

Five chuckled. "Go ahead, Tiresias." 

"No, sir." Now the woman looked irritated. "My name is Sosie." 

Five chuckled. "Excuse me, miss, I was being facetious." 

Sosie sighed. "Um, alright… sir." 

"Give me your riddle, oh oracle." 

Five laughed. 

_You're in public,_ Dolores said. _Behave yourself._

"Yes ma'am!" Five said. 

_Ugh,_ Dolores said. _Bad boy._

Five grinned. 

"Sir?" Sosie said. "Did you hear me?" 

"Crap," Five said. "I hope you won't get offended if I ask you to repeat yourself?" 

"Not at all," Sosie said. "Um, the prediction is… you will want to kill yourself." 

"That is a laughable prank," Five said. "Also, it's hardly a prediction. I already would like to kill myself." 

Sosie blinked. 

"Carry on with your day, miss," Five said. "Find another poor sod to scam." 

"Wait!" Sosie said. "Will you take my business card?" 

Five shook his head. "I will not." 

"Your son, then," Sosie spoke more quickly now. "He'll also want to kill himself. And he'll do it if you don't save him!" 

_Don't you dare walk away!_ Dolores said. 

Five groaned. "Ugh. Which son?" 

"Baby," Sosie said. 

Five frowned. "Which baby?" 

Sosie huffed. "Hold on. Let me look at my notes." 

The woman dug around in a large handbag and pulled out a manila folder. She opened it and flipped through pages. 

_Listen to me carefully,_ Dolores said. _This woman works for the Commission._

"It says here," Sosie said. "That your son has two names. First name Baby, middle name Thirteen." 

Five blinked. 

_God fucking dammit!_ Dolores said. _Baby Five is in danger!_

"Details," Five said. "Be specific." 

Sosie smiled. "Certainly." 

"Go on," Five said. "You have my undivided attention." 

So the silly woman gave her pitch. Her terms were acceptable, all things considered.

A life would be saved. 

Many lives would be saved.

"It won't be like your previous tenure," Sosie said. "We think you boys are just perfect for our recruitment office." 

"I'll be doing _this_ then?" Five said. "Exactly what _you_ are doing... right here with me?" 

_Good job,_ Dolores said. _Clear and concise._

"Yes sir," Sosie said. "But we would like you to specialize in mutant recruitment." 

"Ugh," Five said. "The hell is a mutant?" 

"You are, sir," Sosie said. "You and your entire family. All of you are mutants."

 _Oh my!_ Dolores said. _What an excellent word to describe us!_

"I see," Five said. "I accept your terms, but I have a concern." 

"Okay?" 

"Baby Five… or rather, Baby Thirteen," Five said. "That boy is not my biological son. I adopted him." 

"Oh," Sosie said. "Actually, I was told he was a doppelganger." 

"Exactly," Five said. 

"Then he _is_ biological," Sosie said. "What's the concern?" 

"Paradox Psychosis," Five said. 

Sosie chuckled. 

Five glared at her. "What's funny?" 

"Ah," Sosie said. "I didn't mean to be rude. I just, um, I forgot when you were from." 

"Elaborate," Five said. 

"A lot has changed at the Commission since you retired, sir," Sosie said. "To be honest? You've never met me." 

_She used your amnesia as a shortcut,_ Dolores said. 

"Why the fuck didn't you tell me, Dolores?" 

"No, sir," Sosie said. "My name is Sosie." 

Five groaned. 

"Sorry, sir," Sosie said. "Um, my point is… we found a cure to Paradox Psychosis a long time ago." 

_Fuck yes!_ Dolores screamed. _We can hug Baby Five!_

"I… I see," Five said. 

"Was that all you were worried about?" Sosie said. 

Five chuckled. "Don't drop your 'sir' miss." 

Sosie blinked. "Um… what do you mean?" 

"Let's say I believe you," Five said. 

_Don't you dare doubt the danger!_ Dolores said. _You would gamble your son's life?!_

 _Let me talk,_ Five reprimanded. 

Dolores took it well and quieted. 

"Sir?" Sosie said. "Um… are you kind of senile? I was told you weren't." 

"Fuck you, ma'am," Five said. "Crap. Are you a ma'am or a miss? I can't predict your marital status based on your age anymore, apparently." 

"I'm not married," Sosie said. "But you can call me Sosie."

"Fine, fine," Five said. "Shit. I lost my train of thought." 

_Stay calm,_ Dolores said. _You got this._

That made him smile. 

"You know what?" Five said. "I've made up my mind. Let's go rescue my baby." 

"Great," Sosie said. "But first, I need you to sign your employment contract." 

"Certainly," Five said.

 _No!_ Dolores said. _Save our baby **first,** then sign! _

"Oh?" Five said. "Why?" 

_She's trying to scam you, you silly boy,_ Dolores said. _My_ _god, your innocence is no longer cute._

Five chuckled. "Whatever. Don't panic." 

"I'm sorry?" Sosie said. 

"Miss Sosie," Five said. "I'm afraid I cannot sign your contract until after we save my son." 

Sosie rolled her eyes. 

_Is that a bad sign?_ Five thought. 

_Different rules in public,_ Dolores said. _Don't worry. I got you._

"That's fine, I guess," Sosie said. "Can we go now?" 

"Excellent!" Five said. "I mean, certainly." 

_You'll be the death of me,_ Dolores said. _I swear to God._

 _Don't swear to God,_ Five thought, smirking. _Swear to **me.**_

Dolores mentally giggled. _Yes, Daddy._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The theme song for this chapter is Ride by Twenty One Pilots
> 
> Also: 
> 
> Five is thinking of the Tom Holland Spiderman. 
> 
> Baby Five is thinking of Peter B Parker's Spiderman from Spiderverse and he thought Old Five would consider that obvious.
> 
> They didn't notice the mix up 🤣


End file.
